On the night of January 30th, 1945 - The 12th anniversary of the day the Nazis came to power in Germany and what would have been the 50th birthday of it's namesake - The Strength Through Joy cruise ship Wilhelm Gustloff, overflowing with German refugees fleeing the Russian army, was sunk by a Russian U-boat off the coast of Denmark, taking with it an estimated 9,000 victims, almost half of which were children and infants.
That night, the Gustloff, with three torpedoes in it's side, easily surpassed the Lucitania and the Titanic as the worst disaster in maritime history. The captain of the U-boat (who though he had hit a warship) was even, eventually commended as a hero in the Soviet Union.
However, as World War II closed and the age of... Atonement began in Germany, virtually every reminder of the Nazi regime, including monuments to a Nazi official who was "martyred" by a Jewish medical student, was stripped away and the fate of the ship that bore his name, like much of what happened in Germany during and after the war (with the notable exception of the Holocaust) is rarely spoken of, except by the extreme right, where Neo-Nazis and fascists continue to take some pride in a country where the notion of national pride is discouraged.
Well... what are a few thousand dead Germans in comparison to a few million dead Europeans anyway?
Over fifty years later, in a country that counted itself among the victors of the last "official" war it took part in, another tragedy came to pass.
As with the Gustloff, thousands died, though fewer who died in this tragedy were children. But that's where the paralelle ends.
Unlike the commander of the Russian U-boat, those who initiated this attack and sacrificed themselves were labeled as cowards. And where the sinking of a German ship full of refugees has been passed over in the context of history, the destruction (or partial destruction) of several buildings and four airplanes garnered international support and revitalized the concept of "patriotism" in America.
After almost three years, with the governing party in America having squandered the good will and support it gained that September morning, it's that same governing party that continues to trot out reminders of that day as reasons to fear those who hate this country; uses that tragedy as an excuse to forget about those responsible, in favor of starting an unpopular war against an uninvolved country; and accuses those who protest the decisions of said governing body of forgetting what happened and being "unpatriotic".
Ironically, the governing body of this country and those in Germany who continue to be proud of their country, despite being told that they should not be, are considered to be on the same side of the political spectrum.
Why is it that one of these tragedies has been virtually forgotten and the other is not? Was it because one happened darning a time of war, while the other happened during a time of virtual peace? Was it because one was too much associated with an evil that rose out of a broken nation, while the other was attempt to destroy what the attackers considered to be a great evil? Or is it because too many people in one country chose to not remember their past, where as too many people in the other will not let the ghosts of the past rest? Or maybe it's because one happened so long ago and the other is still a raw wound the inflicted persist in licking and reminding others that they've been hurt?
Maybe it's a little of all of those reasons. Maybe it's none of them.
Whatever the reason, both events are a part of the history of this world, neither of which should ever be forgotten. History, after all, is there for people to learn and remember. It's when we forget our history that we are doomed to repeat past mistakes, which is why it doesn't end; Why it never ends.
I loaded up Kazaa tonight to download the Children of Dune soundtrack. It's not just that I can't afford to buy it... It's the theme song that's been running through my mind since last weekend. I know the mini series on Sci-Fi deviates from the books in places but I haven't finished Children of Dune to know how much. It doesn't really matter though...
It's predicessor, Sci-Fi's Dune mini series is what finally inspired me to start reading the books. The original movie of Dune was really corny and not that I didn't like most of the actors (Sting mostly naked ::drool::, etc) in the movie but in comparison, it's rather lame and doesn't do the first book the same justice the Sci-Fi channel's been able to do. Let's face it... there's some stuff you just can't cram into a 2 or 3 hour movie (cough *Lord of the Rings* cough).
I'm beginning to understand why these books are so classic. The ideas and concepts in those books are mind boggling. Mind bending really. There's a philosophy here... a take on philosophy, religion, war, peace, the human condition... And something very ancient in me that knows exactly what's happening.
There's something very ironic that Sci-Fi choose now of all times to air both Dune and Children of Dune... It's also depressing in a way, since this story is supposed to take place 10,000 years into the future and nothing about human nature seems to have changed. Humans did away with computers, most technology and supposedly became more suffisticated and yet there is still war and deception and greed. And yet in this one family's efforts to change humanity for the better are constantly misinterperated. Turned into gods and trapped by their own mythos, they are forced to destroy themselves in order to tear down what human kind has made of them... sound familiar? The curse of any prophet, messiah and decent person who happens to reach people and make an effort to get them to change, to see that things can't continue the way they are. And for a time, their words seem to reach until they're corrupted by religion and dogma and politics and government and institution.
So many statements in Frank Herbert's books ring true but one stays with me... speaking to that part of me that is as old as eternity itself: "When religion and government ride in the same cart, the whirlwind follows."
And I await the whirlwind.
And people complain that even ONE part of Lord of the Rings is too long!! Gods and Generals clocks in at 3 hours and
43 minutes... Just slightly shorter than Gettysburg, by about 17 minutes.
Am I going to go see it? Hell yes!! ....If I can find the money and the time.
I love the American Civil War... It's very possibly the only "modern" war that holds my interest. Actually, it's pretty much the only period in American history that's ever interested me. I know it's been overly romanticized by pretty much everyone but I don't care. I think it's the whole lack of mechanization that I like. When men still rode real live horses into battle. When our idea of "long range" was lobbing a cannonball across a field, rather than launching a missile at someone half way around the world. When generals actually LED people into battle, instead of sitting in a chair in somewhere, directing the battle from a safe distance.
It's sad really. In the beginning there were swords and knives. If you went to war, you knew who you were killing because they were right there in front of you. Sure, there were some projectile weapons but they had a shorter range back then. You could still see who you were trying to off. Then there came guns and cannons. Instead of fighting in hand to hand combat, the fighters began to distance themselves until this modern age of technology where we have guidance systems that and aim a missile at a flea that's sitting on a dog's ass.
And it's not that humans, as a society, are getting less violent. They're just finding better, more expedient ways of killing each other, with no moral recompense. If someone fires a missile at Iraq from Montana, they don't have to see the faces of the people they'll be destroying.
That's something to think about, if you consider what sets suicide bombers and men who drive airplanes into buildings apart from those who now conduct our wars. A man who walks into a crowd of people with a bomb strapped to him may be crazy, but he's going to get a good look at some of the people he's about to kill. And one can hope that if there's any sort of Karmic
justice in the world, that when the guy kills himself, he won't really be met at the gates of heaven by 70 virgins but, rather, he'll carry with him the faces of all those people he killed into whatever fate he is given.
Another day at the grind... Ick... I'm definitely calling in sick tomorrow. I'll get all the wine from tonight out of my system better if I'm not dealing with this shit all day. Besides, I want to take the time to go in and actually TALK to someone in the externship office before finals week. I also wanted to go in and talk to the guy in the placement office and let him know when would be a good time to send out my resume. Not to mention, I have to find out who (if anyone) at the baking campus needs a TA next term.
I only vaguely acknowledged the shuttle crash this weekend. Yes, I'm sad, but I don't know... maybe it's a symptom of my disenchantment with this country or the human race or the world... Or maybe I'm just getting overly pessimistic, but it didn't phase me. I mean let's face it, until this weekend, who outside of NASA and the families of those astronauts knew or even cared that there was a shuttle in orbit, let alone about to land?
Don't get me wrong... I'm all for the advancement of scientific knowledge (except for when people use those advantage for weapons rather than something constructive), it seems to me that no one cares about what goes on in the world until something bad happens. And then it's this flurry of banding together for "America" for "humanity" for "God and Country" that lasts for... maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a year before it degenerates into just another way for someone to make money or is forgotten completely until the next disaster.
Don't believe me? The government is already warning people not to start auctioning off burnt shuttle parts on eBay! How sick do you have to be to want to BUY, let alone want to SELL something like that?!?!
Honestly though my first thought when I heard the news was "oh great! Something else they're going to try an pin on Iraq!" At least they cleared that theory up quickly. Now the only thing I can hope is that this little tragedy puts some kinks in Bush's war plans, but I doubt that will happen either.
In other news, Peanut still isn't getting it. Not that I'm surprised. I find it very hard to have more than a little respect for her.
So she feels like a fifth wheel... so fucking what? Honestly, I've felt like a fifth wheel all my life. I'm used to it. Big deal.
I speak from experience when I say that she's the only one who can pull herself out of this quagmire of self-pity before she destroys herself. No one else is going to do it for her.
What really pisses me off though, is what this is doing to Esowolf. I don't like seeing my friends get hurt. Especially not my best friend. Esowolf tends to forgive a little more than do... okay, maybe a lot more than I do at times. But I'm sorry. There are things I just don't forgive and quite honestly, if Peanut considers Esowolf her best friend, then she wouldn't be getting so pissed off when Esowolf makes an attempt to tell her that something's wrong with her life (I speak from experience here).
But this seems to be Peanut's way. Someone, usually Esowolf, attempts to get her to see what Peanut is doing to herself. Peanut gets pissy and huffy. And her solution is to either just give back all the stuff she's ever borrowed from that person and/or throw money (that she doesn't have) at the problem. I'm sorry, but that doesn't work and I don't blame Esowolf for feeling insulted at Peanut's attempts to "rectify" the situation.
But then, too often I find myself likening Peanut to my Grandma. Because Peanut's going down that exact same road and one of these days, she'll find herself old and bitter, with no friends because no one wants to put up with her shit anymore.
But who am I kidding, I doubt she's even going to read this. Although, if she does, I certainly hope that she has enough sense to see that Esowolf's not the only one who sees what's happening. And maybe, just maybe, if she's reading this (which I still doubt), she'll respect the opinion of someone who only semi tolerates her... since she's repeatedly said that she doesn't respect the opinion of her best friend.
You know there's something that's been bugging me lately... It's bugged me every time I've seen Lord of the Rings, it's bugged me with a lot of things that I read and watch... What's bugging me is a constant I've noticed in the stories I see... And the constant is that humanity seems to be doomed.
Let's just go through some examples here...
1. Lord of the Rings. What is it Galadriel says in the narative? Humans desire power above all else?
2. Star Wars. In the Empire, the humans had all the power. All other races became slaves.
3. Serrated Edge/Bedlam's Bard. Why was Underhill separated from the World Above? Because the humans became too greedy; too power mad..
4. Babylon 5. Earth became an ally of the Shadows and almost destroyed itself in the process.
5. Dragonlance. Over the course of generations, humans quickly forgot all that had happened in their history. They built it up as great legends and blindly denied that everything was about to happen again.
I could go on... "It's in your nature to destroy yourselves." That's what the Terminator says about humans... how observant that the child of a machine built by humans should see that.
Oh... humanity isn't completely doomed. It's only when they go unchecked by other races, other creatures... it's only when someone is around to knock them off of that shiny pedastle they've placed themselves on and makes them realize that they are NOT the center of the universe, do they come together... well, at least some of them... Too many others remain blind, arrogant, infested with greed.
GODS!! It's so stiffling when you think about it!!! The way humans will simply allow each other to endure pain and suffering and all because two or three sides can't agree with one another....
Then again... Maybe Mischa's right... Maybe, in this incarnation, I became human because I needed to understand what it's like to BE human. Human... Humanity... Humane... These words are so different from each other and yet so much alike. But "humane" isn't a quality that is limited to humans. It's simply common decency, acceptance, understanding, all these things that make life seem not so hard to bear.
I think that's why I prefer Underhill to Middle Earth (although getting lost in Middle Earth is still an option)... When you're Underhill, you can take the best qualities of Humans, Elves, Dragons, Dwarves, anything, mingle them together and create something truely wonderful. GODS!! Just let me carve out my own little space of Wild Lands and leave me be...
I'm trying to get used to the new length of my hair... Oh don't panic, it's not THAT short and I didn't actually do it all at once.
See... a little before Christmas, I was brushing my hair one day and realized that I had a good two inches (at least) of broken, split-end mess. The result? Two inches of bad hair fall into the trash. No one, of course notices because my hair's so frizzy it's always a good deal shorter than it should be. Unfortuantely, that didn't get rid of the problem.
So this morning... or I should say later this morning... after fighting through another rat's nest of hair, I got really annoyed and offed another 2 1/2 inches, making my hair just more than shoulder length... in other words, WAY too short. Oh well, it needed to be done and it's not like my hair falls in my face any more now than it did yesterday.
You know? I'm actually very low maintainence, for a female... Except when it comes to my hair. I've sold my soul to Garden Botanika all for the sake of my hair. Now if I could just get it permantently straightened out.
Hmm... Finally finished Two Towers yesterday. And I was PLANNING on starting Return of the King at work today, but my mind just wasn't on reading. And that's strange because I've been longing to loose myself in Middle Earth, Krynn, Underhill, Pern, any place that isn't this world; this human world where all I am is normal and ordinary. You ever start to wonder if we're all just characters in a story that's being written by and read by beings with extrodinary talents?
Think about it... WE read comic books, fantasy novels, watch shows about people with these awesome powers because we, ourselves don't have those kinds of abilities. I mean WE don't have these great powers so we have to read about people who do... So, what if there's this race of beings who have natural magic abilities and these abilities are so common place among their society that they have to read and/or hear stories about beings (us) who have to get along in a world where those kinds of powers don't exist?
...Why do I suddenly feel like Tamahome? Like I'm just some character in a book that exists only for the entertainment value of some other race of beings? ...You know? That really doesn't make me feel any better...
The new year is here and still nothing seems to have changed. Something spectacular needs to happen and fast because I think I'm slowly spiraling into a pit of monotony and futility. They fuel each other, you know... Monotony, Futility, Hopelessness... Nothing changes (Monotony); no matter what you do, it doesn't fix the situation (Futility); still nothing changes... and you begin to think that nothing will (Hopelessness)...
At least that's what it seems like right now. I don't know... maybe I read too many fantasy novels... But I think my soul is aching for some sort of great adventure. All I know is that SOMETHING needs to spark my interest and fast, before I loose all hope that anything good will happen.
::sigh::
How many times to I sit here and just wish I could walk away from it all? How often do I wish I could just disappear somewhere for a good long while and not care who worries about me? How often do I get the urge to just let go of everything...
How often to these thoughts run through my mind.... and how often (and how hard) do I resist them? Partially, it's my sense of responisbility. Partially, because I do care... I care too much, even though I tell myself I don't. But mostly... I don't know... I think it must be fear. Some of it is fear of success - people tell me I'm good at something... People tell me I'm good at a lot of things... GREAT! I can do something and do it well, so now what? Do I just keep doing it? Am I stuck doing what I'm good at for the rest of my life? And what if I'm too good? What if I don't think I'm good? What if I think that I'm just doing something because it's there to be done and no one else wants or can do it? Does that make me good? No, that makes me knowledgeable of what needs to be done and available to do the work. Nothing more. I can't help that I'm a work horse. Something needs to be done, I do it... that's it. When it needs to be done again, I do it again; and again; and again; and again... But there's nothing good about it, it's simply repetative and mind numbing... Sometimes I think that's the trap of being dependable.
But that's not all... I think, in a lot of ways, it's a fear of letting go. See this is where the duality of my nature comes into play. The dragon in me rages against the chains which bind her to this form. The human in me fears what will happen if those chains snap. The part of me that's dragon has vague recollections of what can happen. The part of me that's human doesn't know. The part of me that's dragon know's she's a creature of darkness; not evil (infact she's increasingly convinced that she's sworn to protect the balance of the Universe) but capable of some very drastic things. The part of me that's human knows this and fears what the dragon is capable of. The dragon in me doesn't know - doesn't remember - what she's capable of and that scares her. This scares the human in me.
So I stand here... rooted on the edge of a bottomless ravine... Unwilling to take that final step that will take me over the edge... and unable to step away from it. Frozen, afraid, weary - barely able to fight the passions raging within me; wanting to give in, but unyielding all the same.
So... Yule and Christmas have passed, New Year's is upon us... and what do I have to show for it?
Well... You might say that I've been psychoanylizing myself for the past 5 months and in my less than professional opinion, I'm in a rut.
What was that line from "Interview With the Vampire"? "Life has no meaning anymore..."? Yeah... That's about where I am right now. One nice big rut... Nothing's inspiring me right now. Work is slow. And to make matters worse... I'm bored!!!
This is where people tend to run screaming because I tend to turn into a bit of a Kender when I'm bored. Except that I can't seem to think of anything I really want to do. So what's left to do? Sit in my little rut... sitting here fuels my bordem... bordem deepens the rut... and I find that I'm also abysmally depressed.
::sigh:: This is where lightning's supposed to strike or a vampire is supposed to appear out of the darkness and bite me or a magic lamp is supposed to fall into my lap.... or SOMETHING!! But, with my luck, Murphy'll just send me an earthquake or something (Not that I'm asking for one so don't get any ideas!!).
Tonight I broke out my copy of "Chess". Now there's a funny thought... how many people now a days would actually get this show today? Hell... I just checked Playbill.com and there's no listing for it anywhere. It may as well not exist right now... I mean the Cold War's over, right? There's no sense now in a story centering around US/Soviet relations, right?
"Each game of chess means there's one less combination left to be played..."
Now I am not a chess player. I couldn't play chess if my life depended on it... But I understand the concept. Chess is a war of attrition. Each side manuvers and manuvers and wears the other side down until there's a winner. The perfect war game. "A battleground for rival ideologies to slug it out with glee".
I posted something to a couple of my lists that I probably shouldn't have. Too political, I was warned. At times like this emotions are heated; the subject politics becomes an even more sensitive issue. Well, when isn't a sensitive issue? Huh? And why is it a sensitive issue to begin with? Are we all so melded to our ideals that we can't stop a moment and think over all the ideas passing back and forth?
"Each day got through means one or two less mistakes left to be made..."
The message I posted was something Mischa sent me from a friend of hers sent out. It was a suggestion that we all take a moment an apolod the Congresswoman who had the only dissenting vote in the War Powers vote. Well... I do apolod her... I apolod her in as much as I'm not sure I trust who we would be giving War Powers to. I don't know... maybe I've been under the weather... maybe listening to Mischa is making me paranoid... maybe it's just me, but I have this gut feeling that there is something very, very wrong. I can't put my finger on it, but it haunts me.
As I read through some news articles I came across a listing of responses from countries all over the world regarding what happened a week ago. The responses are similar: "We're behind you in the war against terrorism. We'll help you get bin Ladin. But don't go too far."
What is too far? What happens if we do go too far? I think that's part of the reason I'm starting get the bad vibe. George W. Bush is quoted as saying that he's going to "rid the world of evildoers"... the last man who said that was Hitler and look what happened there!
It's already started, you know... there have been reports of shootings at mosques since last Tuesday. I've come across at least two articles where people in this country have decided to "rid the world of Muslims" and started gunning down people. One guy in Stockton, CA went out and shot 3 people before he was caught. One of the men he killed wasn't even Muslim, he was Hindu... he was shot down because he was wearing a turban.
When does it end? Do people realize that "terrorism" isn't just limited to fanatical groups who commit hidious acts of violence? "Terrorism" can be nothing more than one man with a gun and a hatred for a group of people.
But I forget... we do all of this for "God and Country", right? We unite under the banner of "God and Country" and we can do no wrong, right? For "God and Country" medieval Europeans could march across Eastern Orthodox regions of the world to make war on people a different religion, who worship the same god, only to be able to plunder back the way they came. For "God and Country" early Americans expanded across North America, not caring who they had to slaughter along the way. For "God and Country" two religions have been killing each other over - what Mischa calls - a custody dispute that happened over 4,000 years ago. For "God and Country" a group of terrorists formulated and enacted the most elaborate, bloody attack plan in history...
It's all about "God and Country", all about belief... Those of one religion decide that those who don't believe as they do are evil and must be erradicated; or enslaved. And so the war begins again. And here we are... back where we started. All in the name of religion and patriotism.
Somehow I very much doubt many people would understand if I took to flying Jolly Roger at a time when there's an American flag every five yards.
"Each game of chess means there's one less combination left to be played... Each day got through means one or two less mistakes left to be made..."
So how many combinations are left then? How many mistakes? And how many is too many?
Well... as Anatoly sings in "Chess": "Let men's petty nations tear themselves apart. My land's only boarders lie around my heart."
Okay, so I lied... I stayed up and finished another new graphic set... Yes, I've got the bug right now. But art is a good focus at times like this. So instead of letting anger and rage and grief rule my life, I'm concentrating on making something beautiful. Hell... all that other shit was released Thursday night... that's what Black Fire's Inferno was made for.
Right now it's just humbling to know that an entire world is in mourning right now. All over the world, flags have been flying at half mast... flowers have been left at US embassies... candles have been lit and silence has been observed....
I don't recall if I've ever said this here, but it's been a very long time since I have considered myself an American. I may live here, I may have grown up here, but "god and country" do not tie me here. I don't consider myself an American and I don't have to be. Those who have brought about Tuesday's tragedy have made a fatal mistake: They have shown the world that if the US can be viciously attacked, what's to stop them from attacking the rest of the world.
Someone has tried to start a war. And in doing so, it would appear that any war waged now will be grossly one sided.
But dispite what some might think, this is not about race... this is not about religion... this is not about lifestyle... this is not about thumbing out noses at God - and people like Falwell and Robertson can go to Hel for thinking otherwise - Tuesday morning, civilians were targeted... that's not to say that simply attacking the Pentagon is right, although world reaction to an attack on what is technically a "military" installation would not have been the same as it is right now. No... civilians were targeted... civilians have died... are dying under piles of rubble... and the world has said no more.
This week, countries that don't even like the US are speaking out against an act of unthinkable terrorism. And I challenge anyone who thinks that all Arabs should be punished for this to explain to my why even a man like Saddam Hussein has frowned on those responsible for Tuesday's acts.
But that's not even the point. The point is that if we, as humans, allow ourselves to hate an entire race because of what was done this past Tuesday, then the terrorists have won. Then they have gotten what they wanted. Then they have gotten their war. And I'm not even saying that this was done by anyone of race, belief, or thought. I have no illusions that all this is over... I will have no illusions if I wake up one morning and there's a large pit where one or two countries used to be.
But I also have no illusions that I will walk into work and not respect or trust co-workers who happen to be of the same race of the alleged perpetrators. Like I've said, this is not about race. This is about saying that enough is enough.