You know? There are times I wonder why I even bother leaving the house?
I went down the street to the market to grab a few things and as I'm coming out of the parking lot, I hear a horn blaring at me. So I try to slam on the breaks but my shoe flies off and I find myself rolling Earthshadow right into the bumper of a Cadillac. There wasn't a whole lot of damage. Their bumper was scratched a bit, but not as much as mine... oh well... it was about to be replaced anyway, right?
I'm just still in a state of shock. I can't stop shaking. It all seemed so unreal...
Well, on the bright side, it's a good think I hadn't taken Earthshadow in to get her bumper replaced, right? Not that I have the money anyway, seeing as how I spent a good portion of it on stuff for my trip, food and a few minor things that seemed important at the time.
Gods! Why can't I seem to manage my money? Oh wait... I don't like money. That might be a good reason. I'm such a loser. No wonder Mom's tempted to put me on a budget and take over the management of my finances herself. Part of me almost wishes she would. I mean, I've taken care of myself over here for almost 5 years now. That's long enough isn't it? Well, long enough for me to decide that I don't like having to worry about little things like making sure my bills are paid on time, or cleaning my apartment that no one ever sees but me, or all the menial everyday crap.
I just want to do things that I want to do. But that's the problem, isn't it? I never like to do anything if the only one who benefits from it is me. Isn't that why Mom & Dad keep saying that I have to start looking out for myself? Because I'm too generous with my time, with my money... Because you know? They wouldn't complain about my spending a little extra time and a little extra gas and a little extra wear on my car if I were... say driving out to Pasadena every morning to help out my old instructors.
I should have just stayed in bed this morning...
Mom called a few minutes ago to tell me that Dad was okay. There's a relief... So why is it I still feel moments away from completely freaking out? Is this a delayed reaction again? Or just guilt for not being this concerned earlier?
I hate this waiting around.
Dad went into the hospital two days ago with an irregular heartbeat. Apparently there's something wrong with the upper valves in his heart, so they put him on blood thinners to get his blood flowing more smoothly and prevent clots, hoping that it would get everything back to normal.
Well, that didn't work, so about 45 minutes ago, if everything went according to schedule, they took Dad in to get an electrical shock... to try to jump start things and get his heart back to normal. The chances are good that it's supposed to work but if it doesn't Dad's gonna be on blood thinners for the rest of his life.
Gods... now that I'm sitting here, thinking about it, waiting for Mom to call me, this is all starting to make me nervous. I mean... things DO go wrong sometimes. As much as I want to hope for the best.
At least I know that I can still feel something. The two times I've spoken to Mom and when I called Dad this morning... I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't worried, or hopeful or anything. I wasn't numb either... I could hear the concern in my voice as I spoke to them, but it wasn't something I actually felt.
Have I cut myself off from people for so long that I can be so... uncaring?
Okay, so maybe uncaring isn't the right word... I feel more detached... Like I'm seeing things from a distance... or... more like it takes longer for what I should be feeling to get past all of the walls I've put up. Hell... I don't even really know...
I just want Mom to call me...
I should be banned from the Sears web site... I should be banned from Sears all together... I've spent way too much time and too much of the balance on my Sears card in the last month or so... Sure... I've been getting things for my kitchen... equipment and shit that I need, but do I really need to be spending the money? Possibly... possibly not... It's partially this funk I get into where I need to do a lot of shopping... Run up bills... Spend money I should be saving... And I know I'm doing it this time, but I just can't seem to care. It's like part of me actually WANTS to continue scraping by and living on a bare minimum.
It doesn't help a whole lot that Christmas is coming and I'm practically broke.... Although I did make a point to buy presents for my immediate family, even if everyone else I care about is getting baked goods.
GODS!! Would you listen to me? Can I ever manage to NOT wallow in my own patheticness?
Who am I? Who is this pathetic piece of flesh sitting here crying into her wine? This thing that only shows itself once or twice a month? This little girl who's tired of being strong. Who's tired of burying all her demons? Why? Why is it I do this over and over again?
I give so much of myself to my family, to my job, to my friends... There are times I wonder how I have anything left for myself. Is there anything left? The Universe only knows. I don't.
All the passion I used to have for life. I can feel it dying within me. I can feel my soul being sucked out of me. The tiny glimpses I find every once in a while of the person I... I was? Was I ever anything more than a weak willed creature hiding behind a wall of reflective glass?
What would it take? What really would it take to for me to just pack up everything and leave? To cut out my heart (it's not really mine anyway) and go some place where no one knows me. Where I can start over...
I'm tired of living behind this wall of mine. But there are places within me that not even I can get to.
Tax time and then end of my time at school draws closer. And as they do, the time to make crucial and possibly life changing decisions begins to rear it's ugly head.
Questions about how the hell I'm going to survive after my birthday? Will I have to move? Will I have to find a roommate? Will I have to bite the bullet and either move back in with my parents or remain at my present place of employment? Will people want me to work for them in 6 weeks? All these questions floating through my head with no clear answers as of yet.
Here's what I know: I know that I don't want to work here a minute longer than I have to. I know that moving back in with my parents will make me just as miserable as I was before I left. I know that people at school continue to tell me how good I am, even though I most of the time I feel that there's nothing really special about just doing what's asked of me. And I know that a time of upheaval in my life is at hand that I'm not too sure I'll be able to weather.
There's a deeply rooted self esteem issue here in that I can never accept the idea that other people would think I'm good at something... well, at least not for long. The warm, fuzzy feeling I get when someone tells me I'm doing a good job doesn't last very long... especially when I'm being praised for doing what I feel is no more than what I've been asked to do. In my mind, I know that I'm not making much of an effort here, so why do other people think what I'm doing is so extraordinary? Why would anyone want to hire a person who isn't making an effort to work?
Maybe it's not self esteem... maybe it's that German work ethic I've inherited from Oma's side of the family... Or maybe it's just that somewhere in my mind I know that I'm just trying to keep myself occupied to prevent me from falling into the deep depression that's created when I become bored. I don't know anymore.
And then, there's my family. I love them dearly, but they are never going to get it. I've accepted this sad realization for some time now. Unfortunately, because of this, moving back in with them will only be more of a torture to me. But it's not simply that I can't hold an intelligent conversation with them, on a level that I understand. It's not simply that I feel that I have to talk down to their level. I've realize that it's a lack of closeness that I feel to people in my family. A detachment. A feeling that if it weren't for the for the fact that we were related, they would only be looking out for themselves.
But it's not just that my immediate family feels detached from each other, it's how detached we are to the rest of our family. I deeply regret that we've never been closer to other people on our family. If one good thing has come out of this whole debacle over Grandma it's that my parents are talking to the rest of the family more than they have in the past.
It's funny, in a way... Since Oma died, my aunt has become obsessed with reconnecting to our German relatives and piecing together the family tree for that side of the family. It's like she's trying to reconnect with Oma by locating relatives we never even knew existed. Hell, until I was 12, most of my German relatives were nothing more than people Oma would tell stories about. And yet, after having met them, I feel closer to them than I ever have to my parents because they feel more like a family to me.
But then, sometimes, blood really isn't thicker than water. Because being with Esowolf, Mischa, Wighead and Birdy gives me more of a sense of family than my family does.
I'm finding that I'm going to have to pull a Mischa and go beg my parents for money to keep my insurance from canceling. Everything's been going so well (well not WELL, but it's been tolerable) and then the bottom just drops out this last month. I've already begged them for money twice in the last week but it's not enough. Fortunately, Aunt Flo came to drop off her package on Monday, so I'm as not much of a basket case about it this week, but I swear all this worrying about money is going to give me an ulcer... if it hasn't already.
I don't even want to THINK about taxes right now. In fact I'll probably end up taking an extension to avoid having to pay out the ass (like I can afford it anyway) for all the capital gains I racked up for cashing in on my stock options last year. Of course I'll be cashing in on more of them sometime next month but this time I'm going to be smart about it and actually put some of it away... at least that's the plan. The full plan is to use whatever I get from vesting my options this time around to pay off the 3
credit cards I still use and THEN put the rest away... if there's any left.
GODS I'm so pathetic. I can actually hear Fairuza Balk's voice from The Craft screaming that when I start obsessing. And the sad part is I'm not obsessed with money for the sake of being obsessed with money. I HATE money. The only reason I obsess so much over money is because I need it to pay for the ability to live in something other than a cardboard box and to buy stuff. Honestly, I'd rather have the stuff than money because at least that's tangible. I'd rather have books and various other forms of media than money. At least that sort of stuff lasts. At least that sort of stuff can be used over and over again. I SWEAR... if someone were to hand me a million bucks right now, I'd probably pay off my debts, make sure I could live comfortably for a few years and find a way to spend the rest as fast as possible. A Brewster's Millions type scenario comes to mind.
Yeah right...
Another day at the grind... Ick... I'm definitely calling in sick tomorrow. I'll get all the wine from tonight out of my system better if I'm not dealing with this shit all day. Besides, I want to take the time to go in and actually TALK to someone in the externship office before finals week. I also wanted to go in and talk to the guy in the placement office and let him know when would be a good time to send out my resume. Not to mention, I have to find out who (if anyone) at the baking campus needs a TA next term.
I only vaguely acknowledged the shuttle crash this weekend. Yes, I'm sad, but I don't know... maybe it's a symptom of my disenchantment with this country or the human race or the world... Or maybe I'm just getting overly pessimistic, but it didn't phase me. I mean let's face it, until this weekend, who outside of NASA and the families of those astronauts knew or even cared that there was a shuttle in orbit, let alone about to land?
Don't get me wrong... I'm all for the advancement of scientific knowledge (except for when people use those advantage for weapons rather than something constructive), it seems to me that no one cares about what goes on in the world until something bad happens. And then it's this flurry of banding together for "America" for "humanity" for "God and Country" that lasts for... maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a year before it degenerates into just another way for someone to make money or is forgotten completely until the next disaster.
Don't believe me? The government is already warning people not to start auctioning off burnt shuttle parts on eBay! How sick do you have to be to want to BUY, let alone want to SELL something like that?!?!
Honestly though my first thought when I heard the news was "oh great! Something else they're going to try an pin on Iraq!" At least they cleared that theory up quickly. Now the only thing I can hope is that this little tragedy puts some kinks in Bush's war plans, but I doubt that will happen either.
In other news, Peanut still isn't getting it. Not that I'm surprised. I find it very hard to have more than a little respect for her.
So she feels like a fifth wheel... so fucking what? Honestly, I've felt like a fifth wheel all my life. I'm used to it. Big deal.
I speak from experience when I say that she's the only one who can pull herself out of this quagmire of self-pity before she destroys herself. No one else is going to do it for her.
What really pisses me off though, is what this is doing to Esowolf. I don't like seeing my friends get hurt. Especially not my best friend. Esowolf tends to forgive a little more than do... okay, maybe a lot more than I do at times. But I'm sorry. There are things I just don't forgive and quite honestly, if Peanut considers Esowolf her best friend, then she wouldn't be getting so pissed off when Esowolf makes an attempt to tell her that something's wrong with her life (I speak from experience here).
But this seems to be Peanut's way. Someone, usually Esowolf, attempts to get her to see what Peanut is doing to herself. Peanut gets pissy and huffy. And her solution is to either just give back all the stuff she's ever borrowed from that person and/or throw money (that she doesn't have) at the problem. I'm sorry, but that doesn't work and I don't blame Esowolf for feeling insulted at Peanut's attempts to "rectify" the situation.
But then, too often I find myself likening Peanut to my Grandma. Because Peanut's going down that exact same road and one of these days, she'll find herself old and bitter, with no friends because no one wants to put up with her shit anymore.
But who am I kidding, I doubt she's even going to read this. Although, if she does, I certainly hope that she has enough sense to see that Esowolf's not the only one who sees what's happening. And maybe, just maybe, if she's reading this (which I still doubt), she'll respect the opinion of someone who only semi tolerates her... since she's repeatedly said that she doesn't respect the opinion of her best friend.
Started the arduous task of searching out externship possibilities yesterday. I intentionally grabbed my school uniform at lunch and drove straight to school with the intention of doing this.... Only to find out that the actual externship office was closed. No matter... I was able to start going through listing of places that might possibly take me. Out of like 400 places in California, I got it narrowed down to less than 100 that sounded interesting... 80 if I'm just looking at places I could feasibly get to with my current work schedule.
This is the depressing part... realizing that I'm going to have to find a place that will work with my current schedule. I highly doubt any sane establishment would pay someone fresh out of culinary school $38,000 a year. I could only dare to hope to find a place that will pay me enough that a second job would make up the difference.
The problem is that little things like rent and car payments and debt and bills mean that I can't really afford to take a pay cut. I can't afford to move. I'm NOT moving back in with my parents. I really need my car. I need to get out of debt... so I can start paying off my student loans. And I need to make sure I have power, gas, a phone line, etc.
::sigh:: Pathetic isn't it? The one place I can't stand to be in is the one place I'm pretty much bound to unless something marginally better comes along. Not to mention that if I have to work around my schedule, I highly doubt that I'll be able to complete my externship in 3 months... let alone before the graduation ceremony next November.
I can fantasize about working in San Diego, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, over seas, or even on a cruise ship, if money were no object... But right now, they're just fantasies...
So when I went to the Irish Faire in Encino 3 weeks ago, I entered this contest... 1 week trip to Ireland. Didn't win the trip, unfortunately, but I was called into day to pick up some free gifts.
So off I went on my merry way to Woodland Hills (About 1/2 way across the Valley), to pick up a $20.00 dinner gift certificate and a certificate for a weekend in Vegas... I should have known there would be a catch....
It turns out that this place I was going to was a company that sells time shares... And of course they wanted me to buy... They put me in this room with a bunch of people and showed us a video of all the places they have resorts... and then they set me up with one of their sales guys (who looked like he could have been Ingo Rademacher's twin brother, BTW... THAT part wasn't bad). We talked about where in the world I would go if I could... Where WOULDN'T I go is more like it?
And then he showed me the figures and my heart sank... Not that I didn't know from the start that I couldn't afford the deal, but ouch...
I apologized for wasting the guy's time and left...
And all the while I kept thinking... "If only..." If only someone would just turn back the clock and stop me from being monumentally stupid. So I was happy spending money like a fool... look where it got me! I can't go anywhere, I can barely do anything and for what? For wanting my own space? For wanting things? For entertaining some sort of lofty dream of building a collection of media... not just for myself but to know that it's there somewhere, that it exists?
I guess we all have to learn from our mistakes... Maybe, in two years... when the only thing... hopefully... I'll be paying off will be my student loans.
Damn....
I stayed up tonight to watch the end of Politically Incorrect. The end of something truly great. Something that said "no" to so many of the nicities and the homogeny of the media...
And now... I just can't sleep... why? My stupid fucking job.
The only times in last two days when I haven't been able to think about what's happening at work have been when I've been in the kitchens at school and working on my school stuff at home. Other times... I can't help but think about it, dwell upon it....
Hell... I've written and re-written my letter of resignation so many times I can't count anymore... The problem is... I don't really have anywhere else to go. Thanks to my own fucking stupidity, I can't afford the paycut I would have to take if I were to start over again. And it's not like I haven't looked. I've dropped a few lines... when I have time to do it right now, but no one's biting.
Gods... you have no idea how much this whole thing is depressing me... And the sad thing is that for as much as work has sucked the life out of me... I still find that I care. Not about the job itself. Not about my bosses... but about the people I respect there who are getting screwed and insulted right now. About the people I've gotten into this fucking job who are now in the same hell I'm in...
Why does freedom have to be a year away right now? I honestly don't know if I can hold out that long.
It's gotten so bad that there are times when I actually find myself hoping two countries will go to war on the off chance that our entire email staff will be obliterated. I don't LIKE thinking this way. I don't want to think this way anymore.
I want things to be okay again. I really NEED things to be okay again.... but if I can't make it through this year of school, I might as well just walk out infront of a train because I'm already dead inside.
It's funny... when I first started working here I was so stoked. I thought this was the greatest place in the world to work.... Didn't take me long to get over that, but at least it was moderately tollerable.
Now? The more I'm here, the more I don't WANT to be here. I could say that I hate this place of employment, but that's not true... I can't hate this place because there are too many people I love working here...
I come in to work and all I feel is abismally depressed and I know it's not just Aunt Flo talking and I know I'm not just channeling the Wighead... unless I'm channelling everyone else who's disillusioned with this place now.
Really though, the only thing that's keeping me here right now is the paycheck and that's my own fucking fault because I was stupid and wanted things that I could suddenly get with the money I made here.
But now I feel like I'm back to where I was just before I moved out of my parents' house... and the funny thing is I've actually mulled over the idea of asking to move back in with them but that's not an option either because I just can't do that anymore.
So here I am... back in this rut I call my life. Not dead, not alive, just here. And last night I found it starting to affect my ability to do something I really cared about. At this point I don't even know if I can make it to my 3 year anniversary with this company, I just want to be done with it.
Mischa sent me some info on apartment managing opportunities. I'm going to start looking into that this weekend. Seriously this time. It's been something she and I have discussed on and off for some time. And, at this point, if the opportunity did bounce my way, I may just pull an Ed and leave here.... only before the can insult my work ethic.
So The Slacker called me into a brief meeting this afternoon.... Basically to inform me that people are complaining about my at work activities that don't involve actual work....
This is a conversation we've had before, and, as a result, I curbed any game playing I do while I'm at work and limited it to only my breaks...
Well... aparantly... people are still... complaining....
So much so that now... the only thing I'm really allowed to do at work is just that... work. That's it. No surfing the web, no catching up on world news, no game playing, no chatting... not even while I'm on a break. That's right... put a few more bars on the prison, boys... Me slave to corporate world. So... my activites at work will now be limited to signing refunds, policing other reps, and being an over paid email monkey. THAT'S ALL I DO!!!
I have no other tasks. And it's not like I haven't asked them to give me more to do.
See... the thing that pisses me off is that there is no way in HELL that I'm the only one who goofs off. I just somehow manage to make it look like I'm goofing off while I'm actually working my ass off, just like everyone else. So I can answer email, monitor reps, sign refunds, play games and chat all at the same time! I CAN'T be the only person other people have complained about. No... I'm just the most prominent. I'm the one who sits directly in front of the door to the office. EVERYONE walks by my desk.
::sigh, sniff:: 15 months... this is becoming my mantra. This is becoming my countdown. If I haven't moved on after 15 months of intense schooling, then I'm truly pathetic.
...Oh, I know Esowolf's probably going to do her best to convince me that I'm not a pathetic loser, and for a while, I'm probably going to believe her.... Until I find myself alone with my thoughts again... That's when it all seems to fall apart. Too often when it's just me... alone... in a room... with myself.... these thoughts creep back into my mind... and as the American Corporate Engine sucks away more and more of my life, it becomes even harder to keep them out of my head. No doubt, I'd probably be in an institution right now if it wasn't for what little social life I have.
I feel like a wild animal that's been caged for so long it's begun to give up hope of ever regaining it's freedom again.... And with each passing day, the cage gets smaller until I find myself being forced into a mold that I once tried so hard to keep away from.
John Stewart Mills was right when he theorized that geniuses have no real place in human society. Oh they'll drag the rest of humanity kicking and screaming along with them to prevent the world from stagnating, but few seem to appreciate the effort.
Heh... See THIS is where having a real Quinncy around would be a good thing...
See, about 6 years ago, I came home from school in San Diego and proceeded to have a complete nervous breakdown. This is probably when I first started devolving into such a basket case.... But anyway... I was sad... I was lonely... And then one night I had this dream...
I was standing on a cliff, overlooking the Rhine River and there was this man, named Quinncy, standing there with me (well, actually, he was a vampire, but then most of the men in my dreams are... yet more evidence that I'm completely whacked). Neither of us spoke, though we each knew the other was very sad... What was weird was it was like we had known each other for an eternity... we could even read each other's minds, which made things SO much easier...
Anyway... we were standing on the cliff, not looking at each other, not touching, not speaking even... we were just there, our thoughts running together in a way that defied any concept of language, image, sound... And then we were standing in each other's arms and I remember that we stayed like that for the rest of the night.... I must have dreamed of him every night that summer and, afterwards, whenever I was sad like that, I'd see him in my dreams again.... I haven't seen him in a while though... at least not that I can remember... And... I guess, at times like this I really miss him... even if he was just a dream...
Where did I go wrong? When did I lose my focus? Did I ever have focus to begin with? Or is all I have been in this life just a construct other people have created out of what they want me to be? I just don't know any more. I can't think... There are too many thoughts; too many voices in my head. And no matter how loud the music plays, I can't drown them out. No matter how fast I drive, I can't out run them. No matter how hard I try to shut them out, they find me again.
I could shut myself down again. It's not hard. I could just cut out the part of me that cares about all this petty, unimportant shit and go back to feeling nothing at all... And who cares about what kind of hell that would cast me into. At least I wouldn't feel it.
How did I become so lost? I'm not even sure I AM lost. I feel like I've been standing alone in the middle of a crowd screaming at the top of my lungs "Here I am!! I'm right here!! Why don't you see me?!?!" ...Only no one hears... For all I know, it's just my mind that's screaming silently in the dark.
Gods! I'm sitting here, at home (I couldn't take it anymore today) and I can't stop shaking. My legs barely hold me up when I stand. Today has just taking so much out of me. I feel weak. Where has my strength gone? Was it mine to begin with? Or was it just borrowed from those around me? Maybe I'm some sort of psychic vampire. I feed on the emotions of everyone around me. I'm like an empath on drugs and right now I'm having a very bad trip.
I can't go on like this. I need to feel alive again. I need to unchain the passions within me. I need to run free in this universe and not care about money and bills and corporate bull shit. I need to loose myself in something wonderful and in the losing of myself, find myself again. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know WHAT I am anymore. I'm trapped, yet I'm getting tossed wildly about by a storm with nothing to anchor me.
No wonder I have problems grounding. I don't even know where the ground IS most of the time. Where am I?
What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it today? Is it just a typical Thursday? Is it Mercury in Retrograde? Is it all of the above?
No.
That's not it. It's this place. I've tried to deny it, but this place is killing me. I'm in hell. I'm in my own personal Mordor... And the sad part is that I don't even care. Gods!!! I'm 3 months shy of 25 and I feel like I've spent an eternity in this prison called human. I've got to get out of here...
I should be home right now... Correction... I should be ON my way home right now... With Hollywood traffic, I'm lucky to get home in less than an hour every night. Sadly, I'm stuck here testing some company systems for an extra hour.
Well... at least I get a whole hour of OT out of it.
Esowolf's looking for a new job. She's thinking of LEAVING me here... Well good for her. This place is killing all the creative energy she had. Better to get out while she still can. At least SHE doesn't have rent and car payments and debt to deal with. And so once again, someone else is probably going to get out of this hell and I'm still going to be here.
GODS!!! I feel like such a loser. I've stopped caring about pretty much anything... Well, that's not true... I do still care... it's part of the problem with being a dragon. They care about EVERYTHING whether they want to or not. And right now neither of us WANT to care.
I need a change. I need a vacation... I need money... I need a life... I need SOMETHING before this life kills me. This fire burning in me is raging, burning, consuming everything within me. But it has no outlet. No release valve. At least no obvious ones. It's like I'm caged in an orb of blown glass. All I want to do is shatter this prison but even though the glass looks fragile, it with stands everything I throw at it...
Maybe Esowolf's right... maybe I'm trying to hard. Sometimes it DOES feel like I am... Of course, that's only when I don't feel like I'm not trying hard enough. There's no middle ground. No resting point. Nothing. And as much as I refuse to let myself wither away and die in this life, I'm not sure I have the strength to withstand this
Gods!! I'm so uninspired right now it's pathetic. I feel like in the Myth of the Cave... But after I got used to being outside the cave, someone dragged me back inside and chained me back up. Only this time they used stronger chains. So now I'm forced to sit and watch shadows on the wall again.
I think I've figured out what part of the dragon's purpose is. As far as I can tell, she's trying to restore magic to this world. See... there was this great war a long, long time ago. And after the war, most of the magic left, leaving the world with just enough for people like me to make us of, if we can. I guess they thought it was for the best at the time. But the dragon's since realized that it was a mistake and she's trying to bring the magic back into this world.
Problem is, I don't think it can work now. See... magic isn't something that can be explained. It's a phenomina that... just happens. It's a part of nature. But we live in a world now where people think that everything has to have an explaination, from why we do the things we do to how much money we make. Everything in our lives has to be accounted for, it seems now. And the moment we throw the unexplainable into the mix... well forget it! It's like in "Contact". If you were in the space ship, you were taken someplace and sent back 18 minutes later. But to anyone who was watching, it looked like only a few seconds passed. How the hell do you explain what you've seen to people who are unwilling to believe that it was possible?
Why explain at all sometimes? It's not like anyone would believe you in the first place, right? ::sigh:: And now I'm thoroughly depressed.
Wow... It looks like Aunt Flo has struck again! I hate when this happens. I've said it before but when I'm PMSing, I really do turn into a complete basket case. Of course I do my best to hide it. I'm fine in public, but as soon as I get home... complete meltdown...
It's been like that a lot lately. But I can't really blame it all on PMS... THAT just happens to be the thing that brings all my insecurities, doubts, fears, depressions, everything else to the surface to reak havok with my life and then go away again. It really sucks.
Of course NOW, I'm fine... almost... The breaking point this month was Saturday when I went over to my grandmother's house....
My grandmother... BOTH of my mother's parents died while I was at school in San Diego. Heh... With in three months of each other, to the DAY. Opa Fall Quarter and Oma Winter. I swear, I thought I was cursed. I was convinced that it all happened because I wasn't there. All I needed was someone to kick the bucket during Spring Quarter and that was it!!
Stupid, huh? Three months after Oma died, no one else was dead. So it couldn't have been because of me, right? I mean they were both pushing 90, it HAD to happen sooner or later, right? Sometimes I'm still not convinced.
See I knew... I KNEW instinctively when it happened. It was like this great darkness fell over me... I knew before Mom even called me that they were gone. HELL!! When Oma died my roommate forgot to give me the message that Mom had called, but that whole day I knew... I didn't need the phone call the next day to tell me. I knew. I could feel her spirit that day telling me that she wasn't really leaving me. When I could remember my dreams I usually remembered meeting her in a grove or a cave. We would talk all night, about... I don't know... I never remembered. All I ever remembered was her...
But I knew before that... that I was losing her. I remember the day of Opa's funeral, I was sitting on the floor next to her chair... and she looked down at me... and she asked me who I was. I knew in that moment... and it's funny because one of the few things I remember from my dreams of her is that she's always apologizing to me for that... and as much as I forgive her, it still hurts...
Needless to say, going over to her house (it will always be her house) Saturday disturbed some wounds that haven't ever really healed. See, Oma was the one who understood that I was different. She was my refuge... the one I would go to when something was wrong. She always encouraged me... she never criticized me... she simply accepted me as I was, which is something no one else in my family ever really has. I mean, during one of my family's epic fights... it was always Mom and Dad vs. my sister and all I could do was go to my room or stare into the TV or bury myself in a book to ignore it... anyway, I was about 15 (and my parents still didn't like the idea of me going out alone at night, I mean this was BURBANK, for Pete's sake!) and the screaming between my dad and my sister was so loud... I just couldn't take it anymore...
So I walked out the back door, opened the back gate (you'd never know that a big rolling gate could be opened without a sound) and walked away. I didn't cry... I just walked... in the dark... and I ended up on Oma's back porch... I don't even think my family realized I was gone until Oma called them........
So flash forward a few years.... and the place that was always my last escape is rented... to people I don't know. People I don't know are living in a house I knew better than my own. It's like... I don't know... I tried explaining it to Esowolf once but it's not something she's ever had to deal with. I guess you could say that it's kind of like your parents build you a tree house... and you go there everyday because its a place that you feel the most at home in. Then suddenly... you're not allowed to go there anymore... not because you're too big for it, not because the treehouse is in disrepare, not because the tree is dying and needs to be taken out.... in fact, the treehouse is STILL THERE!! in your back yard... but it's suddenly off limits. And to make matters worse, your parents are renting it out to a complete stranger.
::Sigh:: I guess that's still a pretty deep wound.
Wow... A little over a week before Christmas and I'm slowly discovering that I'm just not in the mood (yes, I'm a witch who celebrates Christmas). Oh the mood comes and goes... mostly goes... but it does come upon me once in a while. I don't even have my Christmas shopping done yet (not that I can afford to do much shopping). Oh I've gotten most of the important people done - well the people that I absolutely have to get things for - with the exeption of Dad. Still gotta get something for him. And the way things are looking, it looks like I'll be adding to the balance of my Sears card for that one.... More debt... great...
Oh don't get me wrong... I'm not in the "bah humbug" mood... I'm just not in the mood. Not in any sort of mood, really... I guess you could say that I'm just in a sort of non-mood-mood... if there is such a thing.
I'm sure it's nothing a nice trip, or a decent shopping trip or a bit of zen driving won't cure... Oh wait... all of those require money. I don't have any. Shit. Well... that sucks...
Well... with any luck, a tiny little bit of that money problem will go away very soon. Supposedly, most of the people in my department are going to be getting bonuses very soon. I'm told that the heads of the department are pushing for them. Hell! We've worked our asses off for the last year (and haven't gotten shit for it so far) we deserve it. But to be honest, I'm not holding my breath. We've been told so many things that I don't know what's up anymore.
I'm so fucking tired of dwelling on that subject...
Whatever... my day's been kinda drab... Spent 8 hours working at the comic book store. Dropped by my parents place to pick up some DVD's Mischa, Iron Fist and I ordered. Went over to Esowolf's place to help her and The Peanut decorate... I actually did amazingly little over there... asside from coiling four garlands into two large wreaths... I guess some of Mom has rubbed off on me... Esowolf's place done, I went home to (finally) start decorating my place for the holidays and discovered to a Zen-like shock that I have amazingly few Christmas decorations. Oh I have Christmas Tree ornaments, but no tree and very little else. In the end, I think I ended up hanging a couple of ornaments from the nails holding up one of my glow-in-the-dark curtains, one from a lamp and a stocking Esowolf gave me from the window latch, under the Advent Calendar Mom gave me. That's it... call it good... I think next year I'm going to have to look into holiday decorations... that's assuming I can afford them.
In all honesty, I think the only thing I'm really looking forward to this year is the company holiday party... well... actually... I'm really just looking forward to the free food and alcohol being served at the party... but at least it's something to look forward too...
Only one day left until I go on vacation and my mind's already there. I didn't get shit done today... At least it felt that way. That's right! This workaholic dragon is taking a whole week off of work. ::shrug:: I decided it was really cool that Halloween was on a Wednesday so I took the whole week off to celebrate my favorite holiday.
Oh I'm not going anywhere. I plan on staying home and relaxing. 5 days at home, alone... with myself. And I haven't the faintest idea if I'm going to be able to handle it or not. Oh it's not that I don't have anything to do. I have pleanty to do: there's the book I'm writing, graphics to make, this site to maintain, birthday pages to put together for some of my online friends, I have a whole library of books I haven't read... and... let's face it... I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do all of next week.
I haven't always been such a workaholic. Working... keeping myself occupied... I think it's probably the one addiction I've developed in the last five years or so that helps me cope with all those things I don't want to think about (not to mention, I really, really, really need the money). I mean... I've always needed to have something to do. Even if all it was was staring up at the ceiling for hours, hypnotizing myself with the ceiling fan... oh wait... I don't have a ceiling fan anymore. Damn.
Doing nothing bores me to tears. And lately, leaving me alone with my thoughts just starts me thinking of all those things I want that I can't have. Things like wanting to not have to work so hard... Wanting to know why my parents are never going to get it... Wanting to know why the one member of my family who actually understood isn't around for me to run to anymore... Wanting to know that I can disappear for days, weeks, even months at a time and everything will still be here when I return... Wanting to poor my heart into something that matters to me and only me and knowing that doing so will keep me warm and fed at night... Wanting to know why it is that I sometimes feel so old, that it's like I've spent an eternity here and still nothing makes any sense... Wanting every once in a while a moment or two out of time where there are no penaties, no consequences and no repercussions... Wanting to someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright and to actually believe it... Wanting...
I don't know... maybe I just want too much... maybe I don't want enough... maybe there's just somethings that aren't meant to be. Maybe I'm just waiting for all of those dreams I can't remember to come true.
So tonight (yesterday night?) was to be the momentous party to celebrate the Wiffleball Champ's return to this continent. He even went so far as to invite former employees to the party... People I've actually missed seeing around the office, even though I didn't work with many of them for very long. Unfortunately, for as much as I wanted to go tonight, I'm afraid an early day at work and a return to community college theatre turned me into a pumpkin and I opted to return home. On the bright side, as much as I was looking forward to a night of drunken oblivion, at least I won't have a hangover when I get to work later this morning.
But then it always seems that theatre gets in the way of work related parties. Even when I'm just watching for a change and not actually working a show. But then, just sitting in the audience fills me with the urge to be back stage doing something. Even if that something is merely quieting the herd of elephants I heard back stage tonight. I tell you, if I could just be a stage hand or a scene shop monkey for a while, I would do it in a heartbeat... unfortunately, neither one of those pays the bills... So... I am obligated to find other work.
That's becoming a big question though: What do I want? Good question... What do I want? Well... I want a lot of things. I want Esowolf to start her business. I want Mischa to not have to worry about money. I want Chief Iron Fist to have a decent car. I desperately want things to be okay... But none of these wants are wants for myself... Well... okay the last one is a want for myself and people I consider friends...
But the question still comes back to what do I want. What do I want for me. Esowolf's been asking me that alot lately. ANd as much as I hem and haw over the answer, the truth is that I really don't know what I want. I used to know what I wanted... or at least I think I did. Then again, that may have been just my parents telling me what I should do with my life. Any subject I wanted to study, they're question was always "what are you going to do with it?" Does anyone really know the answer to that? And then, when I finally found something I wanted to do, all I was ever told that it was something I should only do as a hobby and not something I should attempt to make a living out of.
Hobby... I'm coming to hate that word. Because "hobby" implies that it's something I'm doing when I'm not earning money. Something I shouldn't devote my life to. Something I should only do in my spare time... like I have any of THAT! But whether it's stage work, or writing, or crafts, or graphic work... it's not something that I should hope to make a living out of.
How depressing is that? That what we want to do and what we end up doing are completely different. And while one would make us happy, it won't keep us from starving... and so we're forced to do the other and make an effort to not be completely miserable about it.
Heh... my parents keep telling me that they'll pay for me to finish up a 4-year degree... if I'll do it somewhere like ITT or something because I'm "good with computers"... well so what? So I know how to troubleshoot a computer? I don't need to take more classes to do that. I mean it's not that I wouldn't mind learning it, but again, it's not something I want to do.
What do I want? I think part of me is so sick of hearing that I can't do what it is I like doing that it doesn't dare hope or even dream of actually wanting to do something that would make me happy.
I do know, though... that there are a few things that I do want, which have nothing to do with vocation: I want to be able to go anywhere I want whenever I want. I don't want to wait until I'm old and bitter and retired and 60 to start making my "hobbies" more than just "hobbies". I want to accumulate knowledge not because other people say that it's something I should learn but because I want to learn it. I want what I do in life to mean something to me, and not have to worry about what the rest of the world thinks I should do. I want a place I can come home to when I've had my fill of the world for a while.... And again, I desperately want everyone and everything to be okay...
I don't know... maybe I'm asking for too much... Then again... maybe if I keep telling myself that I don't care anymore, I'll finally start to believe it.