It turns out that the day I found out that Onkel W was sick was actually the day he died...
...I find that I have nothing to say...
So I found out from Mom yesterday that Onkle W. Isn't doing so well. My Aunt was in Germany last month to see family. Apparantly, between the time we were there in April and last month, he'd had 2 or 3 strokes. He's been moved to a home in Hannover, which is closer to my cousin.
It's kinda hit home for Mom and me that we managed to see him before all this happened (which was the whole reason we planned the trip in less than 4 months this year).
The sad thing is that the man can barely talk now and doesn't always recognize people when they come to see him. And this is a man who at 93, when we went to see him, had the sharpest memory I know of and was probably the second best storyteller from that side of my family.
To even hear about his condition now is heartbreaking. I can only hope that the end, for him, is quicker than it was for Oma, Opa and Uncle T.
Julia Child died today... That's like the culinary world's equivilant of Yoda dying... ::sob::
A tribute to the long, lost Bush/Cheney Sloganator... ...we barely knew ya...
Yesterday was my first day back on the baking campus. I spent eight hours covered in flour... it was a beautiful thing.
One of my high school history teachers was over at my house the other day. He and my dad started talking about the up coming "war". It was really sad to hear someone I respect accuse France and Germany of helping Iraq just because they're opposed to blowing up an entire country just to kill one man. Then he started going off on all the riots at the Frisco peace protest, saying that if these people are anti war, they didn't act like it, they're just anti American...
I ended up having to walk away from the discussion because every time I tried to debate the issue, my ex-history teacher simply came back with "what did I teach you? This is not how it works." It's sad to realize that what you were taught in high school goes against what you believe.
Another day at the grind... Ick... I'm definitely calling in sick tomorrow. I'll get all the wine from tonight out of my system better if I'm not dealing with this shit all day. Besides, I want to take the time to go in and actually TALK to someone in the externship office before finals week. I also wanted to go in and talk to the guy in the placement office and let him know when would be a good time to send out my resume. Not to mention, I have to find out who (if anyone) at the baking campus needs a TA next term.
I only vaguely acknowledged the shuttle crash this weekend. Yes, I'm sad, but I don't know... maybe it's a symptom of my disenchantment with this country or the human race or the world... Or maybe I'm just getting overly pessimistic, but it didn't phase me. I mean let's face it, until this weekend, who outside of NASA and the families of those astronauts knew or even cared that there was a shuttle in orbit, let alone about to land?
Don't get me wrong... I'm all for the advancement of scientific knowledge (except for when people use those advantage for weapons rather than something constructive), it seems to me that no one cares about what goes on in the world until something bad happens. And then it's this flurry of banding together for "America" for "humanity" for "God and Country" that lasts for... maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a year before it degenerates into just another way for someone to make money or is forgotten completely until the next disaster.
Don't believe me? The government is already warning people not to start auctioning off burnt shuttle parts on eBay! How sick do you have to be to want to BUY, let alone want to SELL something like that?!?!
Honestly though my first thought when I heard the news was "oh great! Something else they're going to try an pin on Iraq!" At least they cleared that theory up quickly. Now the only thing I can hope is that this little tragedy puts some kinks in Bush's war plans, but I doubt that will happen either.
In other news, Peanut still isn't getting it. Not that I'm surprised. I find it very hard to have more than a little respect for her.
So she feels like a fifth wheel... so fucking what? Honestly, I've felt like a fifth wheel all my life. I'm used to it. Big deal.
I speak from experience when I say that she's the only one who can pull herself out of this quagmire of self-pity before she destroys herself. No one else is going to do it for her.
What really pisses me off though, is what this is doing to Esowolf. I don't like seeing my friends get hurt. Especially not my best friend. Esowolf tends to forgive a little more than do... okay, maybe a lot more than I do at times. But I'm sorry. There are things I just don't forgive and quite honestly, if Peanut considers Esowolf her best friend, then she wouldn't be getting so pissed off when Esowolf makes an attempt to tell her that something's wrong with her life (I speak from experience here).
But this seems to be Peanut's way. Someone, usually Esowolf, attempts to get her to see what Peanut is doing to herself. Peanut gets pissy and huffy. And her solution is to either just give back all the stuff she's ever borrowed from that person and/or throw money (that she doesn't have) at the problem. I'm sorry, but that doesn't work and I don't blame Esowolf for feeling insulted at Peanut's attempts to "rectify" the situation.
But then, too often I find myself likening Peanut to my Grandma. Because Peanut's going down that exact same road and one of these days, she'll find herself old and bitter, with no friends because no one wants to put up with her shit anymore.
But who am I kidding, I doubt she's even going to read this. Although, if she does, I certainly hope that she has enough sense to see that Esowolf's not the only one who sees what's happening. And maybe, just maybe, if she's reading this (which I still doubt), she'll respect the opinion of someone who only semi tolerates her... since she's repeatedly said that she doesn't respect the opinion of her best friend.
So yesterday was the big international foods luau. My classmates and I put in a full 8 hour day, prepping, cooking, setting things up, cleaning.
We actually had everything ready early, which Chef N. says has NEVER happened on Luau Day.
Bar-b-q day in Intro 2 and Luau... or at least Saturday luau are the only time we're allowed to invite friends and family to eat with us. Of the people I invited, only 3 showed up. I guess if it had been a few years ago, I might have been traumatized and if I hadn't been as exhausted as I was yesterday, I might have been a little bit hurt. Even though I understand that things do come up, now that I'm rested and coherant enough to think about things, I guess I'm just a bit disappointed.
Ah... but I've been in a funk all morning... Might have something to do with dreaming that my sister go hit by a train last night.
Mom called at work this morning to let me know that the son of a lady she works with was found murdered in a neighborhood about 5 blocks from where I live. Understandably, Mom was pretty shook up about it, crying over the phone and all. She told me she loved me and that she worries about me, since it was my neck of the woods. So needless to say, I've been pretty bummed today. I did spend some time looking at what it would cost me to move, which is way more than I can spend, so there's no point in looking right now.
There've been almost no calls all day, so I've pretty much spent my whole shift bored and bummed. I don't want to be here right now. I just want to be in class... or home... no... I don't want to be at home right now... Don't want to be home alone at this particular moment in time.
I supposed I could expound upon this further right now... But calls are picking up again.
They just moved the sales team back over to this side of the building.... That means the Big Shot is back... And just when I was getting used to the quiet around here...
So, I think I'm coming to the conclusion that several of my story ideas should be screenplays, rather than novels. Narrative only seems to get me so far before my characters start to sound like they're constantly whining and the people I see in my head are way too cool to be whining pathetically all the time.
Now I just need the time and energy to start writing. Oh I get a bit down here and there, but the ideas surface and bury themselves so quickly, it's hard to capture them on paper or on screen...
Maybe it's just that I'm so tired. This early shift is fine. It's great! I get 1/2 of my afternoon back. There's only two problems: 1. getting up before 5 every morning and 2. winding down by 9pm every night. Of course I get other things done. I spent a good hour and 1/2 calling restaurants around Studio City and Burbank... just to be told that they've already done massive hiring for the Spring and Summer season, but I'm welcome to come in and fill out an application. Of course, I also get the who schpiele about how most of these restaurants usually higher bartenders from their existing staff... something I should have remembered, since my sister basically went through the same deal where she worked.
This whole job thing is depressing me. It always seems that I'm too late to get in to a position. That was how it was when I came home from UCSD 5 years ago. That's how it is now. I start looking for opportunities when all the opportunities have already dried up and then I find myself stuck in this corner I've walked myself into.
I'm tired. I'm tired of working 7 days a week. I'm tired of the monotony my life has become. I'm tired of not being able to do anything I'd actually LIKE to do because it either costs too much money, or because I've found myself in a position where I'm not available to do what I want to do.
I know it seems kinda selfish, what with the way the world is right now... that I want things for myself that I can't have... that I don't want to be normal anymore... that I want someone else to do the work for a while, so I can go out and have a little bit of fun, while this body's still young enough to enjoy it... that I want to feel alive again....
Heh... you know? For someone says she doesn't know what she wants... I sure want a lot.
Monday already, huh? Wow... Where does my time go?
Silly question when you work 7 days a week.
Saint Patty's came and went. I didn't even remember until I got to work yesterday. Fortunately, my Fraggle Rock shirt had green in it. Spent most of my time at work this weekend working on a new story. It feels weird - in a good way - to be working on my second short story. I just hope that this new one works out as well as the other one has. Eventually, I'll work my way back to the novels I've been piecing together, I guess...
In other news, I passed my bartending course, with flying colors, I might add. Well... I only got a 96% but hey! I have my little certificate! ...Now all I need to do is find a job. ::Shrug:: I applied at the sushi place opening across the street. Threaded my way through all the oscar preparation crap and spent my lunch hour filling out an application. I figure I have until the end of April to get out of working weekends (that's when festival season starts). Any bar or restarraunt I can get to in under an hour would be great (traveling from Hollywood at rush hour).
Something on Barham or even up at City Walk would be lovely. The Wiffleball Champ is having a drunken bash up there next week. It wouldn't hurt to apply, I guess. Provided I don't make too much of a fool out of myself. What with drinking and all. I should probably fill out the app first...
::Sigh:: I've gotten nothing productive done. It feels like that, anyway today. I feel like I'm wasting away behind this desk. I'm wasting away in a comic book store all by myself.
That's got to be my subconscious need to start tending bar. I think I need a social occupation. Something that deals with the public in a public way. Sure, I hate people, but one can only spend so many hours alone with one's self before you drive yourself insane. And Mom fears I'm becoming a hermit. At this point, she may be right. I certainly feel like a hermit a lot of the time right now. I guess I'm just tired of jobs where I sit on my ass all day. They make me appreciate the time I have to be lazy. Now I'm just lazy all the time and it's boring as hell.
::Double sigh:: I guess I'll go sign my refund requests now...