So there's a good chance Boston could be playing Houston in the World Series this year... Does anyone else see the extremely prophetic irony in this?
So yesterday was Lughnasadh... We had a small feast, I made some damn good
bread (after it was all thawed) it was all good.
Peanut ran the meditation, as usual. We didn't get to talk about what we
saw this time around, like we usually do. Of course I don't really SEE
anything... other than this weird tunnel effect behind my eyelids...
Occasionally though, an idea will pop into my head.
Why is this all relevant? Well, this time, towards the end of the
meditation this time around, we were supposed to meet someone and "commune"
with them... As I was meditating on this thought, the idea came into my
head of someone stepping out from a tree behind me with a sword. I'm not
really sure who it was. Sometimes I got the impression that it was
sometimes a woman, sometimes it was a man, sometimes it was neither,
sometimes it was myself (the last part I think has something to do with my
Tai Chi class and the concept that, if I was fighting someone in Tai Chi,
that person would essentially be me - same height, weight, all that). But
while everyone else was communing with their people, we proceeded to spar
until we came to a draw. We then saluted each other, and I got the
impression that the person I met was impressed.
Now I just have to figure that all out. Who in the Universe could I
possibly be impressing right now?
The stars add a dash of spice to bland times. You know an opening when you see it. Respond with the speed and passion that match your level of interest. The details will take care of themselves.
Heh... Not the opening I want, but an opening none the less... At least I hope so.
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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Okay... So ya know that big infrared sign I thought was stamped on my forehead? The one that says "Will break for men pushing 40"?
Well... the Stars say I'm right...
"Mercury Opposition Uranus with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees
Brilliant and original as you are, you can also be difficult and unpredictable. Close ties may complain they never know when you are going to show up or what you're planning next. You are easily bored and love people who can both stimulate and surprise you.
Venus Trine Saturn with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees
While you may not be emotionally demonstrative or sentimental, you love deeply, lastingly and loyally. You may be strongly drawn to people either much older or much younger than you are. Love, for you, has always entailed an enormous amount of responsibility."
So does this mean that when I'm 40, the sign will magically start saying "Will break for guys under 30?"
Okay, so we were off by a few days... The copper paint's already starting to turn green. Hehehe...
So I found out yesterday that I've had the good fortune to schedule my final exam the day before a Mercury retrograde. The bad news is that I'll be sous cheffing brunch during a Mercury retrograde... not to mention my birthday is at the end of the retrograde... Grrr.....
So my latest fortune cookie implies that I'm going to have an amazing sex life that all my friends will be envious of.... My only question is: When is this supposed to happen?
"Confucius say: If gears clash, time to shift to new speed"... in bed... umm... okay...
"Share your happiness with others today"... in bed... Sorry... I can't think of anything witty here...
"You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on"... in bed...
Woohoo!!
Oh wait... I live alone. Damn!!
Well, that's it... Roswell's over. In a way, it ended as I expected it to... and in a way it didn't.
Part of me wants to cry because it was sad... and happy... and open to more possibilities...
But I'm not crying. I can't... and I don't know why... Isn't it funny how just a tiny little hormonal imbalance can let the smallest thing send me to pieces... while the rest of the time, I feel I'm about as much a stone hearted bitch as Esowolf thinks she is sometimes.
You know? She asked me last week when I became a romanitc... It was silly... we were playing a game... she asked me to guess the origin of a quote and I knew it without having to think about it. See, I really am a hopeless romantic at heart. I can watch a show... I can watch people I know and all I want is for people to get together... be together... maybe even stay together for a while.
I'm a hopeless romantic except when it comes to myself. Why? I don't know... I know there are times when I lie in bed wishing that all those blankets around me were someone warm and breathing... well, maybe not necessarily breathing, with the way my tastes run... The problem is that I don't always know who it is that's doing the wishing.
I'm actually still pondering that question Esowolf asked me months ago... What is the human in me afraid of? Is it the human in me that's afraid? Maybe it is. Then again... maybe it's the dwarf who's disoriented from being taken away from her family... her mines... whatever it was she left all those lifetimes ago. And it could be the dragon... it could be... even if she's been around for longer than eternity, I'm pretty sure that there's still things she's afraid of. Then again... maybe she's afraid because she knows what brought her to this and she doesn't want to face it again. Or it could be all three of us... Together, yet still separate and alone... Each of us wishing for something... Each of us fearing something... But having forgotten what it is we're wishing for... having forgotten what it is we're afraid of.
We... me... I... they... Ultimately, I think maybe each of us is afraid of letting go of something... We cling to it as if it were necessary to live... and maybe it is in a way, but what if it isn't... and what is this sense of panic that grips us like a vise everytime we try to loosen our grasp even a little. Is it the darkness? No, we've been there before... it's really not that bad... Is it the fires within us? We're not sure... Who knows... maybe there was a reason this body was born with four Tauruses in our chart....
I'm turning over a new leaf. While recovering from a hangover Saturday, I was struck with an epiphany. This epiphany drove me to Raven's Flight, then to the grocery store, then home to prepare for a night of good mojo working. Borrowing the success spell from Book of Shadows and incorporating it into a spell to help bring about some good and much needed changes in my life, I worked, and I cast... I set my smoke detectors off because I forgot to stuff them in a closet...
But I've come to the realization that I really need to get the ball rolling here. My creativity has been stiffled enough. Getting even one story pried out of my head has become almost impossible (although I managed to that this weekend too). This has GOT to stop.
Over coming the paranoia about leaving a candle burning in my apartment for 7 days has been the hardest part, but for some strange reason it helps that I'm sleeping in The Chair right now (this isn't a morbid thing... think Tannim's Bed in Serrated Edge... only not quite as cool). I guess knowing that if a glass 7 day tips over while I'm asleep I'll at least wake up before the whole place ignites... DON'T try to find the logic in that, logic's taken a vacation around here.
But that's not all... I've started meditating again, which I haven't done regularly since before I moved out. I'm actively studying the occult again, which I also haven't done since I moved out. I signed up for that bartending course, which I'll finish as soon as my supplies get here. And in a moment of impulse tonight, I found myself sending my resume to NeoPets again, but this time for a content writer's position.
Do I think I'll get it? I don't know... depends on what the time demands are. I know that I'm pretty much stuck with the tech support gig until I can find some other way of paying my bills and being able to eat at the same time. But at least I'm making an effort now. I'll claw my way out of this rut I'm in if it's the last thing I do.
Why am I still up? Oh.. yeah... Insomnia and mild pain drove me out of bed two hours ago... Oh, it's nothing serious... at least nothing several hours with a massus shouldn't be able to fix.
It turns out that my right shoulder is a bit of a mess. I have a knot the size of a golf ball sitting just above my shoulder blade and a few other knots running down my shoulder. Ironicly enough, the place that's in the most pain is right where I generally think one of my wings would be if they ever grew in... oh wait... I'm not actually a dragon... even though I actually am a lot of the time... If that makes any sense.
Gods! I need to relax!! I can't seem to remember when the last time I did that was. Even when I'm having fun, there's always this tension in me, like I'm never actually letting my guard down... Sometimes I think I'm just shivering because I'm cold, but everything in me is just wound so tightly.... I'd just like to be able to let go once in a while.
So... spent the last two hours watching disk 6 of Ceres. My Anime addiction strikes again. Heh... and THIS ONE'S Esowolf's fault for once... I don't know, for some reason I'm really drawn to this story. Maybe it's the idea that Ceres was imprisoned in this world against her will... I think some part of me identifies with that.... Or maybe it's just the dragon who's trapped here... I'm never quite sure. It's hard to tell sometimes when we're the same person and when we're acting as separate consciousnesses sharing this body....
Maybe I'm just crazy... Oh wait... that was established long ago...
Spent the rest of the time flipping stations. Caught Sabastian Bach hosting a show on VH1... Damn, he's still gorgeous. I still remember having a mad crush on him when I was twelve.
::Yawn:: maybe I should go back to bed....
The three tylonol I just took must be working. My headache's slowly taking its leave. Good for it.
Last night was fun... Started out intending to watch Wolf... Ended up watching Witchblade instead. Made dinner, ate dinner, left the dishes in the sink and retired to the living room for a night of wine and tv... Note to self: you can't drink a whole bottle of red wine in one night, by yourself.
Gods though... I really need to find a way to slow down my thoughts the way depressants do WITHOUT taking anything. That, I've decided is my main problem. I really do have too many thoughts. I have too many thoughts and they fly through my mind with such speed that I can't even decifer them most of the time.... I think this is one of the reasons I can't take stimulants for very long (another reason to stay away from caffine... yay me): they just make everything worse. It's like trying to speed up everything else in order to attempt to catch up to something that's still going way too fast.
So every once in a while, I just have this need to slow everything down so I can make sense of it. Alcohol helps. Actually, most drugs I've taken that are depressants help. They slow everything, includeing my thoughts down to a speed where I can sort them out. Problem is 1. I know it's not going to last, 2. I know I'm using a drug to do this so it's not real and 3. I come to find out that my thoughts are really too strange for me to deal with some of the time.
Now, you're probably thinking that I'm an addict... nah... I'm not really. For one thing I know that a state of drunkenness, high, whatever isn't real because it wasn't caused by something I had to take to get that way. In a way, I operate in an out of site, out of mind level. I don't see the stuff around, so I don't use it. I know where it is. I know how to get to it. But I just don't. Weird, huh?
But yeah... last night was fun... In my state of drunkenness, I came up with the brilliant idea to tell this dragon in my mind off... Well, I didn't actually tell her off... well I did, in a way... all I really told her was to stop fucking around and tell me what she needs me for. Who knows... maybe it worked. Then again, maybe I've just fucked myself. I guess well have to see, won't we.
See the problem is that I keep getting this sense of urgency from her, but I don't know why and she hasn't really ever explained it... at least not in a way I've ever understood. So she starts getting frantic. Then I do. And we just sort of fuel each other's panic a lot of times. Now if I knew why she was panicing...
Held my first meeting as head of the CS billing team... am I in for it now. I think I ended up with the rowdy group. Which doesn't really bother me that much because I know that most of them do their shit. And those who don't... well they'll find out real quickly...
Now all I have to do is figure out why the Universe hates me right now. I did a tarot reading on myself just after midnight on Samhain... It's actually still sitting on the floor in here as I haven't had the chance to interpret it yet. All though I don't really need to do all that much interpretation... let's see... 5 major arcana and most of the cards are reversed... ouch. Throw that on top of the majors reading Esowolf did on me last week and well let's just say I'm fucked. Karmic imbalance, more Karmic imbalance, lunacy, distruction... I was fucked, I'm still fucked and if I don't do something about the whole situation, I'll be even more fucked.
Now if I can just figure out what that something is... This is one of those times when that damn draconic selective amnesia really sucks. The dragon in me basically knows that there's something I'm supposed to be doing. She can see it sitting right there in front of me, as clear as broad daylight... but she doesn't know what it is. She should know what it is but she doesn't and it's driving us both crazy. This is one of those problems one encounters when you have a dragon stuffed into a human mind: humans can't handle the wealth of information a dragon stores in its brain. Maybe that's why most geniuses are so crazy...
Add to that the fact that I can never remember what the hell it is I do every night while the human's sleeping and it just makes me want to scream!! And the worst part is that there's no convincing the dragon to just let it rest and everything will figure itself out. Hell! I can't even convince her that (as much as I'd love it) this human body is never going to just grow wings and fly!! Although we've managed to agree that until that ever happens, we aren't going to try jumping off any cliffs or anything.
Scared yet? One of these days I'll get around to attempting to explain the draconic sense of time...
::Sigh:: 5 more hours of work and I so don't want to be here. Why can't I just go home and sleep?
If you hadn't guessed, I'm dead tired right now... I've had trouble sleeping the last two nights. And this morning I work up with my head in a vise and this nagging feeling.
I hate when that happens... that nagging feeling usually means that I was up to something during the night... only I can't remember what it was. And Esowolf doesn't remember seeing me last night so, as usual, I have no idea what I did. But I'm sure that I was somewhere on either the astral or dream plain last night. Damn selective amnesia.
I've been told that I dreamwalk, but I never remember it. All I ever get is the nagging feeling and a need to sleep for the next century. How am I so sure that I'm doing it? Well, other people have seen me at night, and I doubt that they would be lying to me. Now if only I could remember what I was doing....
On the other hand, I'm kind of stoked that very soon, I'll actually be drinking while at work.