I'm coming down to my last two weeks at school and part of me is starting to worry. Chef M thinks I should have been fudging my hours this entire time and getting myself done early. He doesn't care if I'm not really there from 2:30 to 10 every day... The problem, however, is that I do. I committed to do the time and I want to.
I feel that there's a lot I still don't know and as long as the opportunity to learn is there, why shouldn't I take advantage of it? Besides, in all honesty, I'd rather work for free and be in a place I like, with people I respect than work for any amount of money.
This is one of the fundamental arguing points between me and the rest of my family. I don't care about money. It holds no value to me. A good book, for example, is worth more to me than the $10 or so I shelled out to obtain it. Money is only important to me because it pays bills and allows me to live in a decent apartment with a good internet connection and lots of stuff. And my family can't understand that some people value the passing on of knowledge, doing what one loves, etc more than a 6 figure salary.
I feel like I'm at a dead end and I don't know which way to go now. People tell me I'm good at what I'm doing and while I'm doing it... as long as I feel I'm doing something to the best of my knowledge... I can agree with them. But when things quiet down... when I stop to think about what I'm doing... like I'm doing now, that's when I stop believing the praise. A lot of it, I realize is self esteem issues. I'm very self depreciating. I think I get it from years of listening to my mother not exactly being the
most encouraging of people... Oh I know she's proud of what I do but her praise is always couched in some form of criticism. "Your a pretty girl but your too fat"... That type of stuff. Living with that is not something I can go back to.
EsoWolf's even pointed out that these are issues Mom and I are going to have to work out at some point. But I can't talk to Mom on a level that she understands and believe me, I've tried. We don't think on the same wave lengths and it's hard to get my point across to her verbally. I could show her this entire journal... Gods know I communicate better this way than I do verbally but I know she wouldn't read everything that's in her. She doesn't have time/won't take the time/isn't the reader I am/still wouldn't understand... because written out my thoughts to her in the past and she hasn't gotten it.
Where is all this coming from? EsoWolf has been asking when I'm going to get out of this shit job and start doing what I've been going to school for. Unfortunately, the only viable way I could do it would be to move back into my parents' house and live off them until I'm out of debt and can afford to live on my own with a lower salary. Everything I've spewed so far today should be enough reason... psychologically... But even after all of that the biggest reason, in my mind is that after 4 years of living by my own rules, I don't think I could go back to living with the old set of rules. And believe me, the old rules wouldn't change all that much because my parents would never agree to not nagging me about shit ever, staying out of my space unless invited, etc... These are the reasons I left in the first place and I can't go back to that. I'm unwilling to compromise on this.
Gods!!! Things feel like they're going so fast right now. Very soon I will be without the one thing (school) that's sustained me for the last year. I still hate my job but in 2 months I could be out of a job. I just want everything to STOP for a while. I want to catch my breath. I want to rest for a while. I'm tired of being tired. I want to feel like I'm being appreciated for putting in an extraordinary effort, rather than simply living up to my own standards. I want to know that this will all work out and that a year or two from now I'll still be okay.
Grrr... I'm supposed to be picking Esowolf up in 20 minutes but I had to get this down because it's just now started eating at me...
So last night my parents and I were discussing my on call job and what I'm doing for the next 5 weeks and all that. And I happened to mention thsat not only am I going to the Long Beach Celtic Music Festival in August, but I'm also going to see my first ever Metallica concert.
This is when my dad points out that I will only be going to said fun things (regardless of whether my tickets are paid for or not) if I don't get a call to go work on those days. He then goes on to remind me that I'm in no position to turn down work from people who will remember that I've turned down work and, as a result, won't call me in the future...
And I saw some of the reasoning behind it last night, but by this morning a curious double standard drilled its way into my mind.
You see, about 3 or 4 years ago, I was in this same position. I was working a theater gig in Sierra Madre and there was a rehearsal scheduled for a time I was supposed to be going to dinner with my family. Well, when I told my parents that I wouldn't be able to go, my mom threw this big fit about how I'm supposed to be putting my family first and I was really disappointing Dad, Sis, and everything else.... It was my sister's birthday party, after all, I was expected to be there. So anyway, I got bullied into at least showing up for dinner, hugging my sister and wolfing down a steak before rushing off across the valley and into the hills (dinner was in Northridge).
Now there was no difference between the theater gig and working on call. If I didn't show up for the rehearsal, everyone I was working with would know I was a flake and they wouldn't have called me back... No... I take it back... there was ONE small difference between working at the theater and working for this catering company... The theater gig didn't pay me anything... And therefore, it was okay for me to blow it off for one night... At least in the minds of my parents.