The CSR Files

This isn’t really a case number, per say… More like a list of customers who should be banned from emailing customer support:

1. Can’t or don’t know how to set the word wrap on their email programs
2. Use pink or other painfully bright fonts when writing to support
3. Use pink or other painfully bright background colors when writing to support
4. Use annoyingly busy email stationary
5. Insist on arguing about why screen shots are needed

I must really be tired, if I can’t think of any more right now… Hmm….

“As I said these inconsist charges 1st then 31st in the same month cost me over charges twice. I understand they are for different months but don’t bill me twice in the same month or close my account.” - Um… this would be because your billing date is on the 31st of the month, dearie… So if there aren’t 31 days in a month, your billing date is moved to the 1st of the next month. Now, I’m sorry if this causes problems for you but we can’t change the calendar just for you.

So after dealing with the guy who handles all of the customer service issues that are filtered down from upper management, a (now former) customer of ours insists that he had to call four additional times to get his refund processed… We have record of none of these calls…

Not only that, but the man INSISTS that on his last call, he had someone in our first level support crew personally walk his refund over to our billing department…

That’s funny… I didn’t know that Jesus worked for my company… How else would someone in INDIA be able to WALK a refund request all the way to California?

This is a new one…

This man writes in, sometime in the last week (we’re behind on emails again…) In order to PROVE that the company I work for is charging his credit card, he sent us a VIDEO (yes, you read that right) of him logging into his bank account online and pulling up the charges from our company…

Only one problem… The web site he logged into doesn’t list his credit card number and he didn’t give us anything we could use to look up his account…

All that effort wasted…

One of the reps, here on the night shift, just got off the phone with a customer who wanted a $3,000 credit… for a price increase that happened over two years ago…

Despite the fact that, at the time, he was given a THREE MONTH credit. I think that’s more than pleanty, don’t you?

So one of our 1st level email support reps recommends to a customer that they download a piece of 3rd party software, from a link the rep provided in his email to the customer. However, when the customer writes back, requesting more information about where to download the software the rep recommended, the rep in question (yes, the same one who provided the link in the first place) transfers the message to 2nd level support to handle, despite the fact that the people handling emails in 2nd level (mostly me) have no idea what software the last rep recommended.

There are advantages to our new email system… It also helps to better display the short comings of our 1st level reps…

So, I don’t often have the pleasure of dealing with the stupidity of this office any more. It’s part of the reason why I gave up administration of the site in the first place. But every now and then, something comes to my attention that just goes beyond the bounds of credibility. Such a one was this…

I got a call from one of the corporate reps this afternoon asking about what to do with a customer receiving spam faxes to their account. The customer’s SALES rep had given them technical advice that our rep wasn’t sure how it would work. I nearly died laughing at the sheer stupidity of the idea.

In order to stop spam faxes from reaching the customer, the sales rep had suggested the customer turn VOICE MAIL on. Now, turning voice mail on does not turn off the ability to receive faxes. So, I’d really like to know what the sales rep thought that would accomplish.

my email iam using is something@gmail.com.hotmail will not work on this laptop. - err… no wonder… Ya wanna make up your mind which address yer really usin’ there?

Caller: I wanted to speak to a manager.
Me: I’m a supervisor.
Caller: I wanted a manager.
Me: My manager’s not available. Can I get your account number?
Caller: You don’t need my account number. I need your manager’s name.
Me: My manager’s name is Slacker but he’s not available. If I can get your account information, perhaps I can assist you.
Caller: Okay… look. You give me something and I’ll give you something. What’s your manager’s number.
Me: I can’t give you that ma’am.
Caller: Okay what’s your number? I can call you directly and YOU can transfer me to your manager.
Me: I don’t have a direct line ma’am.
Caller: Well, they had to transfer the call to you somehow.
Me: I don’t have a direct line I can give YOU, ma’am.
Caller: So you lied to me. I’m recording this, btw and you’ve lied to me on tape.
Me: We’re recording this as well.
Caller: That’s fine. I still want to speak to your manager.
Me: I can’t give you that and I can’t pass you to my manager if I don’t have an account number and a description of your issue.
Caller: Well, why do you need my account information.
Me: To log the call, ma’am.
Caller: Well you don’t need my information for that. You can just write down what my issue is and give it to your manager.
Me: We need to have a record of the call, ma’am and in order to do that, we need your account information.
Caller: Well I’m not going to give you my account information.
Me: Okay… what is the problem you’re having.
Caller: My husband was double billed and Spikey said he wouldn’t refund me.
Me: Well, if I can get your account information, I can check the notes and see what happened.
Caller: Spikey has my account information. Ask him for it.
Me: Hold please.

I confer with Spikey. Apparantly, the caller’s husband tried to change his account information online, by adding a new service and then never called to delete the old one.

Me: Okay ma’am… I can see about submitting a refund request, but in order to do that, I’ll need your account information. NOTE: At this point I’ve already gotten the account info, but she doesn’t know that. ^_-
Caller: Spikey can’t give you my account information?
Me: He’s on another call, ma’am.
Caller: My account information is ______.
Me: Okay, ma’am. I’ll submit a refund for the extra charges right now.
Caller: Thank you.

Me: …ARGH!!!!

So my favorite little idiot is at it again. See this girl likes to tell everyone how to do their jobs. She thinks she can do everyone’s jobs better. Yet, when SHE fucks up, and we call her on it, she acts like we’re attacking her.

So she hands me this postit with a phone number on it… telling me that a customer wants me to call them back at said number… except that she forgot to write down his information and didn’t log the call.

So how am I supposed to call this mythical person back without ANY information to go on?

Her solution is to suggest calling him back and asking for his account information before I can tell him what I need to tell him. Now what I have to tell him I don’t really need his account information for, but this is stuff that I’d prefer to have ahead of time. I like to know what I’m getting into BEFOREHAND…

So I call the customer back and I get his answering machine, which this long and boring political message on it. Rather than listening to the whole message, I hang up.

When she asks me if I called the person back, I tell her I did, but I got a machine. She asks if I left a message. I tell her no I didn’t because I don’t have the specifics of his account. She proceeds to ask me why I can’t just leave a message telling that what he’s asking for isn’t possible, without his account information? Because that’s not the way I work, okay? What does she want me to do? Leave a message explaining that the she screwed up and didn’t give me what I needed to provide the customer with an INFORMED answer, instead of sounding COMPLETELY lame?

::sigh::