The CSR Files

Me: What version of our software are you using?
Customer: The $16.95 version.

…

………

Why do I even bother?

I got put in charge of going through voice messages that were left for support today (joy of joys…) and I came across this beauty:

“Um I actually need to speak to somebody, for my service is not working. I pay for a service and I really need some technical support here. And I don’t enjoy leaving messages. Because you guys make that much money, you should be able to answer the damn phone…” - And if you were expecting a call back, you would have left your number, right Jackass?

“As I said these inconsist charges 1st then 31st in the same month cost me over charges twice. I understand they are for different months but don’t bill me twice in the same month or close my account.” - Um… this would be because your billing date is on the 31st of the month, dearie… So if there aren’t 31 days in a month, your billing date is moved to the 1st of the next month. Now, I’m sorry if this causes problems for you but we can’t change the calendar just for you.

my email iam using is something@gmail.com.hotmail will not work on this laptop. - err… no wonder… Ya wanna make up your mind which address yer really usin’ there?

“yes you could help me. I am looking for a legal form of sane income. could you send me any information that you have?” - While the company I work for is legal, I doubt too many people around here are sane…

“yes u can help me but now am in a big trouble that i may need a nessassrey amount of money in which i may need good poeple like u to help me get like lending or any other way.” - um…

“please send me one gredit card” - A what?

This one had me so confused, I had to ask some friends on a message board of mine if there was such a thing…

“And is the softward Canadianized?”

O_o

“The instructions you sent me are for AOL 9.0! I’m on XP!!!”

I’ve never heard of an AOL XP, have you?

CANCEL THIS SERVICE. THE PACKAGE DID NOT ARRIVE TO MY HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO USE THE PRODUCT.

Okay… umm…. we’re an internet company… we provide an internet service… with software you can download… We don’t SEND any packages…

I am an intelligent person, but your customer service terms contract left my head spinning. Is this like Bill Clinton’s “It depends on what the meaning of the word is is.” Only here I’m asking, does it depend on what the meaning of the word free is? In the past couple of days, techno-birdbrain that I am, I Installed (I think) your what I thought was free service, which I understood to be free because of its limitations. Does free mean without cost? ” ” ” ” payment due? ” ” ” ” charge? ” ” ” complimentary? Perhaps free means gratuitous, gratis, or on the house? I got the response that my account number is xxxxxxxxxx, my pin is xxxx, and my order is xxxxxxxx. It is something I have gotten along without for several years, but I thought it would be a useful feature to have in case I ever needed it. Please obliterate the above-cited account, and let me know whether you do in fact offer a free service. I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

Here’s a question… did we ask you for your credit card when you signed up? If we did, then it’s not free. If we didn’t, then it’s free… until such time as we make you upgrade… ^_^

Time to start off the new year… Okay so I’m a little late…

Quoth an email I found tonight…

“”I would like to find a service that lets you send an email to a person’s physical address. That way I have a record of that it was sent.”

Um… have we not heard of “return receipt” people?