My new “favorite” conversation between myself and customers…
Me: What’s the name on the card?
Customer: Bank of America.
Me: No… The name on the card.
Customer: Oh… Visa.
Me: Whose name is on the credit card?
Customer: Um…
Me: Thank you!
So this woman called, today. She said she was looking at her bill and saw all these charges for things she doesn’t need. She goes right past the charges for her actual service and starts reading off the taxes and fees. It took a lot to keep from telling her that no one needs the taxes on their bill.
Another one I just had to share… (Two in less than a week… I don’t know whether to be amazed or not…)
Convo is exact, with slight changes to hide identity and such…
Rep: adrianne, I have a cust who’s trying to download “Software B” for mac… I directed him to the website to download it…however he says that it is a .exe file for use with Windows only…he basically needs a file that will run on the mac os
Me: “Software B” is for PC only. As I’ve told her from the beginning…
Rep: u mean windows only?
Me: … Yes …
Rep: so howcome when he goes to “our website.com” and clicks downloads…theres two icons..one for windows and one for mac?
Me: That’s for “Software A”.
Rep: oh jeez hhahha…thanks
Me: ::sigh::
Okay… so…
Apparently, the Customer Support line, here at work has become confused with an escort service. We just had a guy call in… drunk off his arse, to request that we send him strippers…
…
WTF?!?!
Me: What version of our software are you using?
Customer: The $16.95 version.
…
………
Why do I even bother?
I got put in charge of going through voice messages that were left for support today (joy of joys…) and I came across this beauty:
“Um I actually need to speak to somebody, for my service is not working. I pay for a service and I really need some technical support here. And I don’t enjoy leaving messages. Because you guys make that much money, you should be able to answer the damn phone…” - And if you were expecting a call back, you would have left your number, right Jackass?
Yes, yes… Calling about problems with your friend’s account (and your’s) works so well, when you 1) don’t have your account information, 2) the email addresses you give me are nowhere in our database, 3) you don’t have the credit card number that’s being charged, if this is a billing issue and 4) you’re no where near a computer. Please try to be more prepared when you call me, dumbass.
Oh, and threatening to possibly take us to court over an issue I can’t help you with, because I can’t find your account does so much good…
An oldie, but a goodie…
Me: Ma’am we can’t call your bank, because we’re not their customer.
Woman on phone: Yes you can, people do it all the time. You can call them and get an approval.
Me: We already tried to call the charge in, Ma’am. We called Visa directly and it was declined.
Woman: So you called my bank all ready.
Me: No, we called Visa.
Woman: Well, you need to call my bank and get an approval code from them.
Me (to myself): Yes, because that’s going to work…
Me (to her): Okay, give me the information…
She does… I put her on hold and call her bank… Just to prove a point…
Me: Yes, one of your members is insisting that I call you, to get a charge approved.
Bank: Is the customer on the phone?
Me: She’s on the other line.
Bank: Can you patch her into this call.
Me: No, I really can’t (NOTE: everytime I’ve tried this, it’s ended in disaster).
Bank: What’s the account number?
Me: It’s 4XXXXXXXXXXXX
Bank: Name?
Me: Customer’s name
Bank: Well, we can’t discuss why the charge is declining with you. You’ll need to tell her to call us.
Me (to myself): HA!!!
Me (to the bank): Okay, thanks! ::click::
Back to the customer…
Me: Okay, I just got off the phone with your bank and they won’t tell me why the charge is declining. They want you to call them, to discuss it.
Woman: Okay, I’ll have to do that, then… ::click::
Me: I told you so…
When I moved to my current position, my exposure to the basic stupidity of humanity was severely limited…or so I thought.
Conversations like the one I just had over IM for the last hour should not still be happening after someone’s worked here for several months.
Without going into too much proprietary detail, our primary service involves phone numbers. So, most of our trouble tickets involve testing blocks of these numbers. This is what I do. When a rep finds that a customer has a legitimate technical issue that is beyond the rep’s ability to fix, it comes to my team. We’ll test the account, the number, if necessary the block of surrounding numbers. This is standard procedure. Our most common issues involve blocks of numbers not working. When this happens, we report the issue to the teams responsible for maintaining the affected systems and include the block(s) of numbers affected, our test results, and the method used to test. Standard procedure.
So, this morning, an issue comes to us with the way a block of numbers is entered in the database. It’s an odd case, but there are still standard procedures. I should not have to explain THIS after telling him how to find the correct block of affected numbers:
Him: okay, what is that going to do?
Me: searching for the [block of numbers]? It will give you the full range affected.
Me: It’s not just this number.
Him: yes okay, but what do I do with it once I have it
Hello? How about include it in the report so that the entire block can be fixed?
And my favorite? After spending an HOUR explaining how to handle the issue (we should haveit reported and under investigation in under 30 minutes), I get this message in IM:
Him: my brain feels a bit dead
Ya think?
Yeah, I know this is probably a very common conversation, but I had to share…
Me: What operating system are you using?
Customer: My scanner is an HP…
Me: That’s not what I asked you, sir. What operating system are you using?
Customer: I have a Dell…
Me: That’s what kind of computer you have. What… what version of Windows are you using?
Customer: XP, I think…
::sigh::
