The CSR Files

Caser # 94

So my favorite little idiot is at it again. See this girl likes to tell everyone how to do their jobs. She thinks she can do everyone's jobs better. Yet, when SHE fucks up, and we call her on it, she acts like we're attacking her.

So she hands me this postit with a phone number on it... telling me that a customer wants me to call them back at said number... except that she forgot to write down his information and didn't log the call.

So how am I supposed to call this mythical person back without ANY information to go on?

Her solution is to suggest calling him back and asking for his account information before I can tell him what I need to tell him. Now what I have to tell him I don't really need his account information for, but this is stuff that I'd prefer to have ahead of time. I like to know what I'm getting into BEFOREHAND...

So I call the customer back and I get his answering machine, which this long and boring political message on it. Rather than listening to the whole message, I hang up.

When she asks me if I called the person back, I tell her I did, but I got a machine. She asks if I left a message. I tell her no I didn't because I don't have the specifics of his account. She proceeds to ask me why I can't just leave a message telling that what he's asking for isn't possible, without his account information? Because that's not the way I work, okay? What does she want me to do? Leave a message explaining that the she screwed up and didn't give me what I needed to provide the customer with an INFORMED answer, instead of sounding COMPLETELY lame?

::sigh::

Case # 93

Ah... my favorite calls!

The dumb bitch I just finished talking to has been getting charged by my company for the past 2+ years... And wants us to refund her in full PLUS interest (that part's new... people don't usually demand interest).

Now all of this time, the woman has assumed that charges from my company are part of her regular internet service subscription and has NEVER questioned them until now. So how is this OUR fault?

Come on, people! At some point, whether charges to YOUR credit card are approved by you or not is YOUR responsibility, not mine, not my company's. If YOU don't know what you're getting charged for, don't go threatening to give MY name to the FCC or the police department or your lawyer or whatever because it's not MY problem.

Case # 92

"I purchased the 98 Full Version of your software, a few years ago but did not try to install it until today."

Okay... that right there.... That alone disqualifies you from any help you would be able to get from me...

Case # 91

So... YOU signed up for an account that YOU didn't use for TWO YEARS and and suddenly it's US not practicing good business when WE won't refund YOU for six months of service? I'd love to see you try to use that logic on your cable company...

Case # 90

"yes you could help me. I am looking for a legal form of sane income. could you send me any information that you have?" - While the company I work for is legal, I doubt too many people around here are sane...

"yes u can help me but now am in a big trouble that i may need a nessassrey amount of money in which i may need good poeple like u to help me get like lending or any other way." - um...

"please send me one gredit card" - A what?

Case # 89

Same bitch as below...

When you call back, DON'T call me names and then go all psycho on me. It will only get your account canceled... (well, the last part I only wish right now... but I expect her to call back)

Case # 88

So... you wanna call up and be rude to my reps? You wanna demand to speak to a supervisor but NOT tell us what your problem is first? Well, then maybe you should stay on the fucking phone when you're actually transfered to me, huh?

Case # 87

So today's moron was having problems downloading some software from a link we sent him. Due to an error on the part of the last rep he spoke to, the link was broken up into two lines.Now... our moron WAS smart enough to figure out that he had to put the link back together himself... But he didn't think to remove the extra spaces in the link (he thought those were part of the link itself... have you ever seen a SPACE in a web link?)And then... in the midst of all this, he also asks me... You ready for this? If he has to CAPITALIZE NUMBERS... excuse me while I go attempt to jab sharp objects into my brain...

Case # 86

This one had me so confused, I had to ask some friends on a message board of mine if there was such a thing...

"And is the softward Canadianized?"

O_o

Case # 85

So the Brain Trust Award this evening goes to some dumb bitch who had to have it pointed out to her that the software she purchased from us... ONE YEAR AGO, which she's never used, will not work on her Mac.

This is why system requirements are listed on software sales web sites, people...

Case # 84

No... I haven't had a lot of good tidbits to post in here lately... But this convo between Esowolf and myself... about one of my problem co-workers... deserves to be here...

EsoWolf: How long does it take him to test an account?
Me: You're asking ME about a guy who was about to submit a trouble ticket using the wrong form until I stopped him?
EsoWolf: Oh dear lord. Tell me you're joking...
Me: I only wish I was...
EsoWolf: ::hyperventilates::
Me: Welcome to my world...
EsoWolf: Your world frightens me.
Me: Normally I'd take that as a compliment... except my world is currently frightening and pissing me off...
EsoWolf: LOL

::sigh::

Case # 83

"The instructions you sent me are for AOL 9.0! I'm on XP!!!"

I've never heard of an AOL XP, have you?

Case # 82

More idiocy today...

So this guy has been sending us nasty emails for about a week, complaining that the settings he sees when he logs into his account are not correct. We've been writing him back, saying that yes, his settings are correct, there must be something wrong with his computer's settings. As the screen shot the moron's sent us shows, HE'S BEEN STARING AT THE WRONG BLOODY SCREEN THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!!

Case # 81

Snippets of a conversation with some idiot.

Me: I wan't you to run a search for *.doc
Customer: You want me to search for "star.doc"
Me: ... No. I want you to look for "*", that's Shift-8 ".doc"

Can I get an anvil, please?

Case # 80

So, I send my "favorite" airhead a link for a customer. The information I send her includes a username and password.

Airhead: So can I just send him the link, without the username and password?
Me: No... you need to send him the login information.

Now... why would I give out information like that if it wasn't intended to be used?

Case # 79

CANCEL THIS SERVICE. THE PACKAGE DID NOT ARRIVE TO MY HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO USE THE PRODUCT.

Okay... umm.... we're an internet company... we provide an internet service... with software you can download... We don't SEND any packages...

Case # 78

From the mouth and tiny brain of the same co-worker who doesn't know her geography...

Airhead: This customer backed up his files but they're not on the disk
Me: Have him send us the disk.
Airhead: How's he going to do that?
Me: US Postal Service.

Why me?

Case # 77

I am an intelligent person, but your customer service terms contract left my head spinning. Is this like Bill Clinton's "It depends on what the meaning of the word is is." Only here I'm asking, does it depend on what the meaning of the word free is? In the past couple of days, techno-birdbrain that I am, I Installed (I think) your what I thought was free service, which I understood to be free because of its limitations. Does free mean without cost? " " " " payment due? " " " " charge? " " " complimentary? Perhaps free means gratuitous, gratis, or on the house? I got the response that my account number is xxxxxxxxxx, my pin is xxxx, and my order is xxxxxxxx. It is something I have gotten along without for several years, but I thought it would be a useful feature to have in case I ever needed it. Please obliterate the above-cited account, and let me know whether you do in fact offer a free service. I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

Here's a question... did we ask you for your credit card when you signed up? If we did, then it's not free. If we didn't, then it's free... until such time as we make you upgrade... ^_^

Case # 76

My co-worker: Hey! District of Columbia is Washington state, up north, right?
Me: No, it's Washington D.C.

Doesn't ANYBODY learn geography anymore?

Case # 75

Dude wanted to know how to get a tangible piece of paper into his computer...

...Without a scanner...

After we got him off the phone, we came up with the idea of telling Dude to fold up a piece of paper and push it into his A: drive really hard... LOL!!!